Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Anyone of a certain age will understand what my title is referencing.  If you don't, it is to a hilarious Seinfeld episode.  http://youtu.be/2GMZjkNW5b8  In this episode, Jerry and George had pretended to be gay and the girl they were joking around with wound up being the reporter that was going to interview Jerry.   She naturally thought they were gay and when Jerry realized that he tried to assure her that he and George were not gay.  Heck, George even offered to have sex with her right then and there.

The comedy of the episode didn't come from someone thinking a heterosexual pair of male friends were gay, it didn't even come from said pair of friends trying to convince someone they aren't gay.  The comedy came from them both quoting "Not that there's anything wrong with that" every time they asserted that they were not gay.

If you've seen it you understand if you haven't go buy every season of Seinfeld and watch them immediately!

I stole the phrase for my blog title because I have managed to date a few gay guys over the years, "not that there's anything wrong with that."  My gaydar is finely honed today, but not so much in the past.

The first time was a set up by a junior college friend.  I was already teaching school, but still in touch with some of my college friends and Amy calls and tells me she has a friend I just HAVE to meet.  She tells me he is a wonderful Christian, has a good job, owns his own home, and is looking for a significant other.  I was game so, I told her I'd give him a try.  Ironically, when I mentioned this guy to my teacher friends a couple of them knew him and one of them told me that he was a wonderful cook and the other told me he was the neatest dresser she knew.  She said he was always well dressed.  At the time, I thought all of this sounded pretty good.

I agreed to meet my friend, her husband, and the guy at their church for Sunday service and then we would go out to lunch.  First things first, the church service was HORRENDOUS!  I was raised Baptist, attended a Presbyterian college, and visited a Methodist church for years.  I had safely stayed away from all Independent Baptist churches until then.  This preacher spent the entire sermon preaching against women wearing pants to church.  Thankfully, I had put on a skirt and blouse that morning; but what did I normally wear to church?  Yes, that's right, pants!  I'm sure he talked about some other things, but by that point my blood pressure was boiling and I wasn't hearing anything else.

But eventually, church ended and we all left to go have lunch.  I had imagined a nice lunch with the four of us; my friend, her husband, the set up, and me.  I was sadly mistaken!  The four of us went to lunch but her parents joined us, her husband's brother and sister in law joined us, and the set ups widowed mother was there too.  Yes, that was more fun then a root canal while you have an ear ache and a bad back!!!

Lunch finally ended!  For some unknown reason (well, I guess the reason was youth and stupidity) I agreed to follow my friend, her husband, and the set up to see my set ups house.  My friend had not seen it yet.  I really don't remember the set ups name so, we'll call him Grant.  In a mini caravan, I followed behind my friend and her husband following behind Grant until he reached his house.  He had had this house custom designed.  It had doors that slid into their frames so they were completely out of the way.  He had an in house vacuum that ran beneath his house and had a connection in every room.  He had also chosen the interior design features.  The carpet was dusty rose colored.  He gave us a tour of the house and I noticed that literally the only book in his house was a Bible.  The Bible's great, but you don't own any other books?!  WTFudge?!  He showed us his guest bedroom that was decorated with gorgeous antiques and then we went into the living room where he showed us his collection of porcelain hummingbirds.

Porcelain hummingbirds?!  Porcelain hummingbirds?!   Antiques?!  Dusty rose carpet?!  Actually concerned about vacuuming?!  Oh and while I never checked out his cooking skills he was a very snazzy dresser.  He had on a gorgeous gray suit with a perfect white shirt tucked in wearing a purple tie.  So, what did all of this add up to?  Well, by now you've guessed it!  Grant may have been looking for that special someone, but he was looking at the guys!  Grant was gay.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Of course, the story just gets funnier or sadder from here.  (Depends on your point of view, I guess.)  After touring Grant's wonderfully feminine home we all drove to Amy's parents' house, each in our own vehicle.  We hung out there for a while.  The preacher from church that morning was visiting so, I was very excited.  NOT!  After enough time had passed, I mentioned that I needed to be heading home.  You should know that by the time I got to Amy's parents' house I was so lost on the top of Sand Mountain I thought I would never find my way back home.  Amy knew I was unfamiliar with the area so she suggested that I follow Grant when he leaves to go back to his house.  Once I pass his house I drive a few more miles, take a left, and head down the mountain.  That should have been simple enough.  Although, we basically had to drive through a maze (similar to the one in The Shining) before we got to the road that led to his house.

Now, at this point, I just wanted to leave all of these nut jobs behind.  Not my friend, but definitely Grant, the preacher, and even her parents who agreed with women NOT wearing pants.  Grant finally leaves, I jump in my car and head out behind him.  Less than a mile down the road all I had to follow was a cloud of dust. Within 5 miles I couldn't even see his dust.  Thankfully, the good Lord led me out because I have no sense of direction.  Once I was safely back into my home county I was relieved and grateful that Grant was gone in a cloud of dust with a might hi ho silver I'm gay!  LOL

After getting over my being pissed that Grant left me behind in Deliverance country, I realized that while he agreed to a set up he did not want to have to deal with a girl when he was actually looking for a guy.  I hope Grant was finally able to come out of the redneck, backwoods, ultra conservative closet and find his true happiness.

Ironically, my experience with gay Grant would not transfer to upcoming experiences.  While Grant was easier to figure out, I must admit my gaydar has been thrown off when it comes to super hot, extremely gorgeous gay guys.  (Hope this guy is checking out my blog.)

And finally the last shades!

I know it's been a LONG time since my last post, sorry!  I had been sharing the story of my brush with "50 Shades of Grey."  By the way, I never miss an episode of Criminal Minds because I am convinced they'll have a case about a guy like Damien! 

Since it has been so long, let me give you the Cliff Notes version of the previous shades of grey:

• found prescription bottles in truck
• joked about room reserved at Moccasin Bend
• scar on arm
• Spike did not like him
• found out he had a daughter
• he had excuses for everything
• found out about a crazy ex when she stole his phone and sent me fake texts
• got in an argument at work, drew a knife on the guy, boss sent him for psych eval
• called said he was arrested
• had an outstanding warrant
• owed child support for another kid
• psych eval was bad
• hurt his back at work
• boss recommends he uses bad back as an excuse for disability since psych eval was bad
• still haven't seen his house
• finally invited to house, see huge dog cage
• fire in back yard he blames on the railroad trying to run him off his property
• tells about bad back
• tells about talking to cashier about cutting that she was doing
• volunteers with a suicide prevention group
• dog never sleeps in cage
• saw pictures of him at a rally with LOTS of other white guys
• bad back caused from retaliation by the guy he drew a knife on

As some of these counted as more then just one shade, I think I have 13 left.  I'm guessing you've discovered the real issues much quicker then I did.  They say, "hindsight's 20/20."  I say, "I'm glad I'm not a murder statistic!"

 

Please remember that this occurred back when I was freaked out about turning 40.  I don't think it could have happened before then and I know it couldn't happen now.  But being unmarried and nearing 40 can freak a person out!  (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

 

I mentioned in a previous blog that I started Googling him in every known form.  First, I found his myspace page and found out he was totally in love with some Gothic fiction writer.  They had had some sort of bizarre online, semi meet in person once relationship and when she tried to end it he stalked her and terrorized some online friend of hers.  I kept Googling and found out that he belonged to a couple of hate groups.  He was participating in white supremacist groups.  Kept Googling and found his profile on an "alternative" dating site.  Apparently, he was into things I had never even heard of!  He was into things that I am NOT going to mention in a blog.  If you are curious, just Google "freakin' idiots!"  lol  I will tell you that his profile on that site let me understand why he had a ginormous dog cage in his house.  It was NOT for the dog.

 

After my Google investigation, I realized what a total idiot I had been!  He called me and wanted to get together and I said I had plans.  He called a couple of more times and I was always busy.  He must have gotten the hint because I didn't hear from him for months.  Then, out of the blue, he emailed me and told me he thought I would be proud that he had cut his ties with the white supremacist groups.  Yes, like that was the only problem!  Bahaha!  

 

He managed to accept my break up as a break up, but I still keep an eye out for some freak coming near my house.  Sadly, I no longer have Spike to tell me the guy stinks, but I am pretty sure Augustus would not only bit Damien's leg, he'd pee on his shoe too!

 

 

 

Fifty Freaking Shades of Grey Con't again!

Oh wow!  I am at shade 26. 
Honestly, looking back now, I cannot believe I ever had a second date with this guy.  Let alone many, many more dates! 
Shade 26 - He tells me that he went outside one night and saw that the field behind his house was on fire.  He called the fire department, they came out, and put the fire out.  Then he tells me that his land butts up against the railroad line and he knew they had set fire to his land hoping to run him off.  (Oddly enough, in my mind I hear this being said as if from the quote in "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou" "done R U N N O F T"!)
Shade 27 - He tells me that he hurt his back at work from climbing around where he wasn't supposed to.
Shade 28 - At this point I thought his horrible scar was from acid.  This night he told me about stopping by a convenience store for gas one night.  He went in to pay and saw that the cashier had horrible scars on her arms.  He could tell that they were slash marks.  He asked her why she cut herself and she said that her uncle had molested her and her parents didn't believe.  (Yes, this is beyond horrible; but not the point of my story.)  Damien then went on to tell her that he knew people who could help her.  He then told me that he had volunteered with some group that worked with family members of people who had committed suicide.  At this point, I am thinking how noble and also beginning to wonder why he would be involved in something like this.  (But as before being about to turn 40 and still single put true blinders on my eyes and my freaking mind!)
Okay, shade 28 definitely accounts for at least five shades. 
So, that brings us to Shade 33 - I drop by his house again and notice that his dog never goes inside that big cage.  I asked and he said that he always sleeps on the floor and he just keeps the cage in case the dog wants to go in there.
Shade 34 - At that same time, I look through tons of pictures he has stacked all around his office area.  There is a whole stack of him at some sort of rally, demonstration, I'm not really sure what it is.  But there are a whole lot of other people there, mostly men, mostly white men.  He sees me looking at that stack of pictures and tells me to come outside to see something.  I set the pictures down and go outside.
Shade 35, 36, 37 - During this same visit to his house he tells me that he is quitting his job and applying for disability.  Then he said, "I want to tell you what really happened the day I got hurt at work."  He precedes to explain that he had gotten in to a fight with the co-worker he had previously pulled a knife on and the guy pushed him down a flight of stairs. 

Fearing being single and 40 can only blind someone for so long.  And while this story doesn't prove it, I have, let's just say, an above average IQ.  My internal alarm had been going off as early as shade 12, but I optimistically kept hoping for the best. 

After shades 35-37, I decided that I really needed to start looking a little more deeply into this guy. 
I Googled every form of his name.  I knew his email address and used the part before @ to Google.  I knew his nickname.  I, also, knew his birth date and address. 

So, what new information did I learn from the wonderfully, magical world of Google?  Check my next installment of 50 Shades to see what those unlucky 13 shades are.
 

Taking a break from 50 shades

My last several posts have been about Damien and his 50 shades of criminal minds, but I have decided to take a short reprieve from that topic.  Mainly because thinking about it scares the bejeebers out of me.  And also, because I recently received something in the mail that scared not only the bejeebers but the oh no holy way out of me!

I am a 43 year old single woman.  Going all of the way back to the late 80s, I cannot even remember how many weddings I've taken part in.  Let alone attended.  I know it started out with my bff and her wedding.  Of course, with it being the late 80s I got to wear a dusty rose dress.  It really wasn't that bad.  lol  The wedding turned out to be a fairy tale adventure.  It was an outdoor wedding and it had been raining all day.  Suddenly just as we were about to walk down the aisle the sun came out from behind the clouds and it was just gorgeous.  You need to realize that at this wedding I was still an idealistic 20 year old and my bff had promised to throw the bouquet to me.  (As in, whoever catches the bouquet gets married next.)  The bouquet is headed straight for me and some prepubescent tween jumps up and catches it.  I refrained from knocking her down.

The next wedding I participated in allowed me to once again wear dusty rose and some twice divorced twit caught the bouquet.  Although, I did wind up dating the groomsman I was paired with for several months.  Obviously, that didn't last.  The last update I received was that he had divorced his third wife, had a drinking problem, and was living in a trailer in his mother's back yard.  (I did not say that with glee in my voice!)

Thankful for several years, probably about a decade, after those I was only invited to attend weddings as a guest.  No more dusty rose for me!  I also managed to never catch a bouquet. 

Then I made it to my 30s and started teaching a college age Sunday School class of all girls.  It wasn't all girls on purpose, there just weren't any college age guys coming to Sunday School.  I really liked these girls and bonded with most of them.  Of course, then they started getting married.  I received several wedding invitations and two or three requests to serve at their weddings.  Being asked to serve at a wedding is actually an honor.  You may not be close enough to the bride to be in the bridal party, but they still want you to have a role in their big day.  I know that is the intent, but serving at a wedding blows great big baby chunks!  Especially, if you are stuck serving cake!  (Now if any of you reading this had me serve cake at your wedding don't feel bad.  I would do it all over again, but if I ever get married I am hiring people to serve the food at my reception!)  The first one of these weddings I lost the bouquet to another tween, the next time I lost it to a thrice divorced woman dating her soon to be fourth husband.  So, I am standing in a group of women at the third wedding, the bride looks at me over her shoulder, throws the bouquet straight at me, a tween jumps up, a divorcee jumps sideways, I push the divorcee to the side, and jump above the tween.  Victory is mine!  I finally caught a bouquet!!!  (Not that I was the next person married, but still!  I deserved to take some darn flowers home by this point.)

Throughout the rest of my 30s and now my early 40s I have been invited to attend several weddings of younger co-workers.  I attend.  I will NEVER serve anything, let alone cake, at a wedding.  And I will not even get in the group that gathers to catch the bouquet.  Honestly, I'm old enough and have been to enough that weddings have lost their magical appeal.  Would I still like to have my own?  Yes.  Will I still attend those of people I care about?  Of course.  But you better have some good food and drinks available at the reception :)

You are probably wondering how something could have scared the bejeebers and the oh no Holy way out of me, and what that was to do with weddings.  Well, I am getting there!  Having taught school for 14 years I have had many, many students.  I started out teaching high school so most of those students have married.  I started teaching 5th grade a long time ago and many of my early years 5th graders are already married.  But I received a wedding invitation in the mail a while back for one of my 5th graders that I taught just last year.  (Well, it seems like just last year!)  But he is about to graduate from college and is getting married.  And he sent me a wedding invitation!  OMG!  I am happy for him and his bride to be, but really?!  I watched my friends marry, I watched my Sunday School students marry, I watched my high school students marry, and now I am watching my 5th graders get married.

Most of the time, I am resigned to happily or at least contentedly being single.  But every now and then something comes up that makes singledom blow great big baby chunks!

I am planning on attending the wedding.  He was one of my favorite students of all time!  But if anyone has a suggestion for a date for me, please let me know :)

Fifty Shades of Criminal Minds, con't yet again

So, I've told about six of his fifty shades and I concluded that a crazy ex makes up for six more; now I'm left with thirty eight shades to go. 
Let's see how many I can get through quickly. 
Shade 13 - He had to have a psych evaluation for work because some guy picked on him and he drew a knife.
Shade 14 - He called me while I was at a training session one evening and told me he had been pulled over for speeding over Signal Mountain.  Since, he had an outstanding warrant they took him to jail.
Shade 15 - Outstanding warrant?!  WTfudge?!  What kind of outstanding warrant?!  "Well, I have a warrant that says I owe back child support.  But I know I don't," he said. 
I said, "Back child support, you have joint custody of your daughter.  Why do you owe child support?" 
"Oh, that's for my son."
"You have a son?  I thought you only had a daughter."
"Well, honestly, I just forgot to mention him.  His mother and I had a brief fling when I was on vacation 20 years ago and I've paid child support for 18 years.  He didn't go to college so, when he turned 18 my obligation was finished.  But the organization I had to pay the child support through didn't get that message, and charged me with non-support."

(Yes, I know what you are thinking now!  I know what I realize now!  But just try to put yourself in the place of a 39 year old single person.  Nobody wants to be 40 and single!  I was willing to believe most anything at this point in my life.  Thank God, I moved past 40 and realize that being single isn't the worst thing you can face!)

I'm going to take literary license here and say that the second surprise child counts for at least five shades.  So, I am now at 21.

Shade 21 - Apparently, the psych evaluation did not go that well. 
Shade 22 - He hurt his back at work.  (You'll see why this is a shade.)
Shade 23 - His boss tells him that his psych evaluation was bad, and he would be smart to use his bad back as a reason to draw disability.
Shade 24 - We've had numerous dates by this point.  And oddly enough, I had yet to go inside his house.
Shade 25 - He invited me to his house for a home cooked dinner.  It was a modest sized house with a modest yard.  But one thing that stood out in my mind was that he had an extremely large sized dog cage for an average sized dog.

Fifty Shades of Criminal Minds, con't again

Let's see. Where are we? 
Fifty shades.  Oh heck, I'm no where near fifty shades yet.
Shade one - prescription bottles in his truck
Shade two - a room reserved at the local mental hospital
Shade three - horrible scar on his arm
Shade four - SPIKE DID NOT LIKE HIM!!!!!
Shade five - didn't tell me about having a daughter
Shade six - always having an excuse for everything

Crap!  Forty four shades to go.  Ugh!

Several weeks into our relationship Damien texts me while I'm at work.  He tells me that his car broke down and he had gotten a ride into work from a neighbor, but wondered if I could come and pick him up from work.  Well, of course, I can.  I leave work, drive to his place of employment, tell the guard on duty I am there to pick Damien up to take him home.  The guard goes into his booth, calls inside, comes back out to my car to tell me Damien had called in sick that morning.  Sick?  Sick?  Why had he texted me to come pick him up?  What kind of lame deal was this?  I mumbled some excuse to the guard, threw my car into reverse and got the heck out of there. 

Now, I had not bothered calling Damien because we were already living in the world of cell phones, emails, and texting.  I immediately called him after leaving his place of employment and got a prerecorded message that this cell number was no longer in service.  Well, I'm just totally freaked by this point.  I drive to his house and he's actually out in the yard weeding his garden.  He looks up sees me and smiles, he walks over and asks why I've dropped by.  I look at him like he is crazy and ask why he sent me a text asking to pick him up from work.  "I didn't text you.  I can't find my phone.  I actually called the service provider and had it turned off because it's either lost or stolen," Damien stated.  I asked how it could be stolen when I had received texts from him asking me to pick him up from work an hour and a half ago.  He asked if I had gotten a text in the past hour.  I said no.  He said I didn't have it turned off until an hour ago.  I asked what the heck is going on.  About that time you could hear his house phone ringing.  He went inside to answer it, when he came back outside he had a huge frown on his face and steam coming out of his ears. 

Apparently, the mother of his daughter had just called and asked if he had spoken with his "little girlfriend."  He told her as a matter of fact she was at his house now.  She laughed (imagine the Wicked Witch of the East's laugh) and said, "I thought you might be seeing her." 

Here's the whole story as I finally unraveled all of the pieces...  Damien had taken his daughter back to her mother's the night before.  He dropped his phone.  She knew he was seeing someone and she started looking for texts between us.  The next morning she knew he was calling in sick just to take the day off from work so, she decided she would mess with the "little girlfriend." 

What the heck?!  Who behaves like this?  But, of course, it wasn't his fault.  You cannot be blamed for having a crazy ex. 

As far as counting the fifty shades, let's be honest and admit that a crazy ex accounts for at least six shades!

Fifty Shades of Criminal Minds, con't.

While Fifty Shades of Gray has a happy ending, I would have to say mine had a happy ending because I didn't wind up as a cautionary tale from an episode of Criminal Minds.  Obviously, I didn't end up with my "fifty shades," but that is an extremely good thing!

I mentioned that Damien had a lot of prescription bottles in his truck.  He said he had just gotten over the flu, but I found out that wasn't the case, at all.  One of our next dates we went up to Point Park and walked around.  While we were looking off of the mountain you could see Moccasin Bend.  He points and tells me that he was his own room there that they keep ready for whenever he dropped by.  Naturally, I laughed at his joke.  It was a joke?  Right? 

Of course, it's a joke.  So, I agree to another date.  Oddly enough, all of our dates had been in the dark up until this one.  This time we got together during daylight and met for lunch.  I noticed this horrible scar on his arm, but (having learned my lesson from the tourettes incident of before) I didn't ask any questions.  Unfortunately, I kept staring at it and he finally realized it.  He asked if I had noticed his scar and I said, "Yes."  He said that he had knocked a bottle of acid off of a shelf at work and when it started falling it broke on the next shelf and splattered on his arm before he moved back.  It was a fairly gruesome scar, but of course, I believed his story.  (Yet another shade.)

After our lunch date we had a couple more dates and I invited him to my house for dinner.  We had a very nice evening and he was really good with Spike.  (It would take me a while to realize that Spike did NOT like him.)  After a couple more dates I started wondering why he didn't invite me to his place.  (One more shade.)

Our next lunch date started around 1:45.  Around 2:30 he told me he had to leave to go pick his daughter up from school.  What?!  What?!  You have to go pick up what?!  You have a daughter?!  You are a father?! 

"Kristie, I'm sorry I should have told you sooner, but since you don't have children I didn't want to scare you off because I have a child.  I really like you and really want to keep seeing you.  Please, don't let this scare you off," said Damien. 

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you had a daughter," said I.

Damien responded, "I know.  I really should have, but I never mention it on the first date and I'm really falling for you and I was just afraid if I mentioned it you would be upset.  I can't wait for you to meet her.  You are so wonderful, I know you'll be great with her.  Please forgive me.  Please don't end this because I was afraid you would leave."  (You would think the fact that I taught school and obviously loved kids would show any guy I dated I wasn't worried about them having children.)

At this point all I heard was "blah, blah, blah, I'm really falling for you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  I immediately told him that it didn't matter at all.  I do wish he had told me right off the bat, but I love children and couldn't wait to get to meet his daughter.  (This would account for several more shades.)

Fifty Shades of Criminal Minds

It doesn't matter if you have read the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy or not.  If you've turned on a morning show or talk show or read a newspaper or magazine in the past 6 months or so you have probably heard of Fifty Shades.  These books are not for everyone.  They are commonly being referred to as "mommy porn."  I'll admit it.  I've read them.  Truly not the best writing in the world, but since it was meant to be fan fiction for adult fans of the Twilight trilogy, what do you expect?  I would suggest that if you've only read the first one and were totally freaked go ahead and read the other two.  There is much more to them then the erotic fiction part.  Once you get past the erotica you realize that it is more about the fifty "shades" of Christian Gray.  Christian has some serious baggage from his past and once you discover it you understand him.  As fiction often does, this one leads to a nice ending.  (No more spoiler alert then that, folks.) 

I have dated a guy with fifty shades.  I won't call him Christian because he was much more on the other end of that spectrum.  Let's call him Damien just for kicks!  I met Damien on an online dating site.  Yes, I know all of the warnings, but I'm not new to this game.  I always get a guys full name, where he works, where he went to school, etc.  This way I can use the magic of google to at least ascertain if he is who he says he is.  I always meet a guy in a public setting for the first date and I arrive late so he should already be inside and will not know which direction I am coming from.  I also let several people know where I am going, the name of the guy, and the time they should call the cops if they have not heard from me. 

Oddly enough, Damien and I had our first date on Christmas night because he just couldn't wait until after the holidays to meet me.  (I know, I know.  Stupid!  But give me a break, I had just turned 39 and was freaking out about being 40 the next year.)  So, we agreed to meet at TGIFriday's downtown at 8:00p.m.  (It was one of the places open on Christmas Day.)  I arrived at 8:15 and he was already seated at a table.  It was definitely not a crowded place.  He was the perfect first date.  He wanted to know everything about me, he complimented me just the right amount.  When our waitress came by he engaged her in conversation about why she was stuck working Christmas.  We found out she was married with several young children and when he paid for our dinner we left her a substantial tip.  Way over 20% + tax.  (How you tip really shows me what kind of guy you are.) 

By this point in the evening I felt totally comfortable with him and we walked around downtown for a while.  We eventually finished the evening with me walking him to his car and waiting for him to drive off.  (See, I'm not a complete idiot!) 

After the first date I was fairly optimistic that Damien was a decent guy.  He called me the next day, and the next day, and the next day.  We set up a date for New Year's Eve.  Woohoo!  Who doesn't want a New Year's Eve date?!  He made reservations at a nice restaurant which is where I met him.  After dinner we both drove up to Rock City and walked around looking at the Christmas lights.  We decided after that to drive around and look at the decorated houses.  He wanted to take my car, but I insisted that we go in his truck.  (Easier to dive out the passenger door if I find out he isn't what he seems.)  We get into his truck and I see several prescription bottles in the seat.  It's too dark for me to make out the prescription names and he says, "Oh, I had the flu before Christmas and had to take these during my lunch break at work." 

I should have thought to grab one of the bottles and sneak it into my purse, but I was distracted by the massive mansion we drove past on Lookout Mountain that was beautifully and tastefully decorated for the holidays.

This I would later learn was one of the fifty shades of Damien.

 

Kristie's Top Ten List of Guys you Should Never Date

Guys you should never date

Number 10 - You should never date the son of a friend of your family.  It makes it awkward when you break up especially when his mother keeps calling your grandmother to see if you will reconsider getting back together with him.

Number 9 - You should never date the younger co-worker of your best friend's dad especially when the dad is in charge of the younger co-worker.  Said, younger co-worker would be afraid to refuse when his work superior asks him if he's willing to be set up.  Then, said, younger co-worker has a miserable evening and makes sure to let you know.

Number 8 - You should never date a friend of a super nice co-worker who doesn't explain to the guy that you are a bbw (big, beautiful woman) and when you finally meet after several lengthly phone calls you can tell he's not into bbw's.  (His loss!)

Number 7 - You should never date a guy who can't handle you having a job where you make more money.  This can lead to an uncomfortable dutch date where you order surf and turf and he orders from the children's menu.  (Dude, at least, order from the list of appetizers.)

Number 6 - You should never date a guy who knows more about fashion and more show tunes then you do.  That's a pretty good sign that you'll both be checking out the really hot guy sitting at the next table!  (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Number 5 - You should never date a guy who dyes his hair.  Of course, if it's a good dye job you'll never know it.  But if it's not, your hands will turn black after you run your fingers through his hair.

Number 4 - You should never date the slightly strange guy from your college chorus because he will probably turn into weird stalker guy!

Number 3 - You should never date a guy that you like as a friend, but have no interest in it leading to romance.  It makes both of you feel lousy!

Number 2- You should never date a guy who is friends with all of your friends.  Makes the break up awkward!

And the number 1 reason you should never date a guy...
Is if said guy is on more prescription meds then a cancer patient. 

Look for my next blog, "Fifty Shades of Criminal Minds."

Movie Night

I know I've given everyone the impression that every date I've ever had has been horrible.  But, that simply isn't true.  I've had many good dates over the years.  Some of these dates included the old standard of movie night.  I've enjoyed many, many movies over the years with many dates.   I've seen all sorts of movies on dates.  I'm managed to cajole a few dates into going to a chick flick, but mainly I am every guy's dream date when it comes to the movies.  I like action, I like super hero movies, I love sci-fi, I like guy movies.  I'll admit it!

Now, let's see if I can recall some of my more memorable movie nights...

Back in high school a big group of guys and girls went to see that Eddie Murphy movie where he rescued the Dali Lama as a kid or something.  We are just getting into the movie and for some reason it was turned up super loud, ridiculously loud.  We were all complaining among ourselves and all of a sudden my date yells "Turn it down!!!"  And I mean yells it.  Of course, that's when a moment of silence came in the movie.  So, everyone heard him.  I was embarrassed, but they turned the sound down right after!  (As an extra, after the movie we all went to eat at Gondolier's Pizza - you have to have been around Chattanooga for a while to know that name.  As we are driving to the restaurant my date says, "Oh, I love gonorrhea's pizza."  That was good for another serious laugh.)

The next memorable movie date I remember was Earl Goes to Camp.  My date was like 6'4" and probably weighed 150 soaking wet.  Two redneck jerks in ball caps were sitting in front of us and kept making rude comments, throwing popcorn, and spitting their tobaccy in the floor.  I was disgusted and kept making comments towards them.  Naturally, they weighed in at probably 220 each.  They finally gave my date one too many dirty looks and he begged me to shut up so he wouldn't have to fight them.  As soon as the credits rolled he grabbed my hand and drug me to the door.

This wasn't a date, but it is a very memorable movie night.  I remember going to see a lame comedy in the late '80s or early '90s.  We had been waiting in line for a while and when we finally got to the ticket window I said, "One for Casual Sex please."  As the attendant, my friend, and everyone within ear shot cracked up I turned an unbecoming shade of red.  My friend stepped up to the ticket window and said, "I'll have one for the same movie."

I went to see Mission Impossible with  a date who miraculously is on my list of facebook friends.  (Yes, it happens sometimes.  Especially, when you find out you are playing for the same team.  That'll be a future blog.)  We had a good time.  Nothing embarrassing happened.  But, something hilarious occurred.  It was the scene where Tom Cruise is dropping down from the ceiling and he can't make any noise, or cause the temperature to change, or sweat.  So, the screen is completely silent and amazingly the audience was as well.  All of a sudden we hear the sound of flatulence.  My date and I look at each other thinking did Tom Cruise just fart.  You could hear other audience members questioning it.  Then we heard a faint chuckle and it rumbled up towards us.  Eventually, the whole audience was laughing.  Some one had indeed farted!  It was pretty darn funny!

One of my favorite movie night highlights happened during a movie I can't even remember.  We were sitting through the ads waiting for the movie and some guy came in the theater.  He walked down one side of the theater, walked across the very front, and then back up the other side.  When he got to the top he yelled, "Where the hell are you?"  In a moment we heard someone very meekly say "over here."  The whole audience cracked up.

My favorite movie memory is actually about an ex boyfriend's mother.  Now keep in mind, this was a 65+ year old lady.  We took her to see Meet the Fockers.  When we got to the theater she got up to the ticket window first and proceeded to ask for three tickets to see Meet the F*ckers.  Who knew one little vowel made such a difference!

I'm back

I had to take a break from blogging after I lost my dad.  I've had a tough year, but I think I'm ready to get back to blogging.  I've blogged about losers and freaks, geeks and nerds, flakes and fairies, but I've got one that tops them all!  Some of my friends said I would have to break this guy into several different guys because no one would believe one guy was this screwed up, but yes one guy was this screwed up.  And I, of course, found him!  I'll have to have more time to share the details of this guy, we'll call him Bucky.  As a small preview, I'll just say that Bucky could be a whole week's worth of Dr. Phil episodes and I am very grateful that I didn't turn out to be an episode of Criminal Minds! 

I'm Not Asking for the Moon

Honestly, you would think I had asked these guys I date for the moon.  I didn't!  I really, really didn't!
I'm trying to keep from believing all guys are jerks, but it's getting harder and harder every day! 

Sadly, I have an extremely long history of guys I'm dating disappointing me.  Please take note of the fact that I bend over backwards to try to please them.  If they mention their favorite food I cook it for supper.  If they mention something they love it is their b-day or Christmas gift.  Unfortunately, they don't usually reciprocate. 

The first example I can remember is when I was dating Chaz.  I had asked Chaz several times to be my date for my 5 year high school reunion.  He kept saying no, time after time.  I finally sent in my rsvp for 1.  He told me a few days before the reunion he'd be willing to go.  I said no thanks!

Now, I have to say that in the beginning of our relationship Mike went out of his way to do things I had expressed an interest in.  Just a few weeks into our relationship I had mentioned that I'd like to see The Lion King musical in ATL.  He got us tickets.  I told him I'd never seen a Braves game or attended a college football game and he took me to both!  A couple of years into our relationship we were planning a trip to Biloxi.  I wanted to go see Harry Connick, Jr. in concert.  (Please note that Mike made a 6 figure salary.)  Mike said we could stay at the Beau Rivage (an upscale hotel and casino in Biloxi) or go see Harry, but not both.  Okay, I wasn't really upset, but I kept thinking why not both.  I picked Harry and we stayed at some cheap-o place in Biloxi.  The worst disappointment I had with Mike actually occurred after we broke up.  I knew he was seriously dating someone else and that was okay.  We still kept in touch to a degree.  A few weeks after Thanksgiving Mike called me to check in.  He told me he was thinking about me when he and his new girlfriend were in NYC watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade because he knew that was on my Bucket List.  WTH!!!  Really, you went with another girl to do something on my bucket list and you bragged about it?!  Forget you!

A few years back I dated the hoarder.  On top of being a hoarder he was an astrology buff.  He had great telescopes and loved star gazing.  I mentioned on a date that one of my dream dates was to sit out in a field on an old blanket star gazing.  Guess what was one of the things he didn't bother to do?  That's right!  Forget stargazing.  We never even looked through the telescope sitting on his deck!

I know I've mentioned my "Charlie Sheen" guy.  On top of being a Charlie Sheen clone he is also seriously into rafting.  I have mentioned several times that I'd love to go rafting.  What have we not done?  Correct!  We have not gone rafting.  To put icing on the cake I had mentioned last week that I would love to see a certain movie.  Guess what movie he saw this weekend after he went rafting?

Good grief!  I'm really not asking for the moon!  But it would be nice if a guy even bothered to pay attention to my interests and needs!

My guess, is it would take a trip to the moon and further out into space to find someone who would.

Jeff Foxworthy takes on online dating!

I've done the online dating thing off and on for several years.  I've discovered all sorts of guys online, ALL SORTS.  I've discovered that lots of the really, really good looking guys are just pictures people in Nigeria have posted to try to scam you.  (You really thought I would send money to South Africa because your dear old granny was back in the U.K. sick?)  I've discovered my neighbor's husband's profile.  (No, they were still married and she didn't know he was on a singles site trolling for women.)  I've discovered that 60 year old men think they can convince women they are just 45.  But more than anything, I've discovered that online dating profiles features an over abundance of rednecks. 

I'm hoping to pass this on to Jeff and have him use it in his next stand up routine.

You might have a redneck profile if...
                            you have a bandanna tied around your head.
                            you have posed in front of your bathroom mirror shirtless to take your profile picture.
                            you can see more of the deer's head than of your own in your profile pic.
                            all 10 of your pictures show you beside a vehicle (4-wheeler, Jeep, motorcycle, muscle
                            car, jacked up truck, tractor, dirt bike etc.)
                            you think "an" is the same as "and."
                            you don't bother to hit spell check before publishing your profile.
                            you are in camo carrying an automatic weapon posing beside a deer's body in your
                            profile pic.
                            your profile name contains any part of the following:
                                                                billy bob
                                                                tiger, cougar, lion
                                                                bear
                                                                "dalelives"
                                                                git 'er done
                                                                rambo
                                                                harley
                                                                davidson
                                                                stump
                                                                cun tree (and this could go on and on and on)
                            you are wearing overalls in your profile pic.
                            you think a cowboy hat, a sleeveless t-shirt tucked into tight blue jeans makes you look
                            hot.
                           
This list could literally go on and on forever.  And will probably include sequels in the future!

Totally and completely P.O.'d!

I try to keep my blogs humorous.  If a 41 year old single can't find humor in their dating life they might as well forget about it! 
However, this time I am blogging because I am totally and completely pissed!!!  I dated a guy, Mike White, for 3 years.  That is longer than a lot of marriages!  Mike wasn't perfect and neither was I.  But I was crazy about Mike and thought he was the "one."  Mike had other ideas.  But that's okay.  Time and distance have let me see how much better off I am without Mike White!!! 
Two of my bff's thought Mike was gay.  (Yes, that made my day!)  Mike wasn't gay.  Mike and I met through an online dating site and he went right back to that site to find the next one.  Of course, he married the next one.  (One of the reasons we broke up was because he had decided he was too old to have children.)  And he and the next one have an adorable baby girl.  And I am okay with that!  Seriously, I am okay with that! 
But, M.W. and I had dated for 3 years.  We had become an important part of each other's lives.  I loved his parents, siblings, nieces, etc.  He loved my parents.  His family loved me.  My family loved him.  When we finally broke up we kept in contact for a while.  Finally, when he started seeing his then future wife we parted company with the exception that we wanted to know when someone in our families died.  I assume his immediate family is still doing okay since I haven't heard any differently.  (I have changed phone numbers since then, but I still have the same email address!) 
I lost my father in January.  I debated on letting M.W. know about it, but I knew I would want to know if either of his parents had passed away.  I had one of my bff's send him a message through facebook.  He got the message.  He actually responded to her message. 
I, of course, have not heard a word from him.  No funeral home visitation, no phone call, no email, no freakin' telegraph!  Seriously?!  We dated for 3 years, we spent lots of time with each others' families.  My dad dies.  I am a single, only child; my father dies and I don't even get a sympathy card in the mail?

Yes, M.W.  totally and completely pissed me off!  But guess what?  After all of these years, I have finally realized that M.W. is and was a complete jerk!  Not worthy of me!!!

Btw - my bff's told me they were glad M.W. didn't show up at the funeral because they were certain Dad would have come up out of the coffin and hurt him!  lol

Cha-ching

Many years ago I dated Chaz.  Chaz was an okay guy, a bit boring.  But otherwise okay.  I actually knew Chaz through a family connection and I knew all of Chaz's family before we ever went out.  They were GREAT!  Looking back, I realize I probably liked Chaz's family more than I did him.  I loved his parents, I loved his siblings and his nieces and nephews.  Unfortunately, to keep them I would have had to keep Chaz as well. 
I eventually broke up with Chaz, mainly because he bored the stew out of me.
But for this blog, I'll share one of my earlier dates with Chaz... 
I actually dated Chaz when I worked at a bank.  (A bank!)  So, when Chaz came to pick me up one evening for a date he actually came through the drive thru where I was working shortly before we closed.  He cashed a check.  He cashed a small check.  He cashed a $20 check.  (It was the 90's so $20 went a bit further then it does today.)  But still it was a $20 check.  My co-worker cashed his check and when she checked his balance to see if he had enough money to cover the check I casually leaned over to look at the balance.  Chaz had several thousand in his checking account.  And he cashed a $20 check. 
Chaz went and parked in the employee lot and waited on me.  I quickly closed out my drawer and went out to meet him.  We left and went to Chattanooga.  He wanted to have dinner at Shoney's (it was the EARLY 90's.)  I readily agreed.  We had dinner and then ordered strawberry pie for dessert.  Yum!  My fav!  Afterwards we drove to the movie theater.  (Okay, I should tell you that at this point in my life I was a college graduate, but I was still working at my college job for minimum wage.)  He had cashed a check, I was basically broke all of the time and I didn't have more than $2 on me.  We went to the theater, asked for the tickets and he realized he didn't have enough money.
What?!  You have several thousand dollars in your bank account, but you didn't cash a big enough check to cover your date!  Ugh!  Unfortunately, my $2 didn't pay for the tickets.  We had to leave.  (Being that this was in my early 20's.)  I was SO horribly embarrassed!  The girl at the ticket counter just shook her head at me and gave me a pitying look.  Geez!
I guess that was the beginning of the end of Chaz. 

How John Tesh Runied my Life

Okay, this blog may be a bit more serious than my other blogs.  Most of the guys I've blogged about have been one hit wonders or at most one album wonders.  But then there was Mike.  Mike was multi platinum.  Mike and I dated for three years.  A month into our relationship Mike said those three words, yup.  "I love you."  Stupid me believed him.  Mike was fabulous.  He knew I had always wanted to see a Brave's game so he got good tickets to a game for our six month anniversary.  We had dinner at a fabulous restaurant in Atlanta and he even had the waiter put my gift on our dessert plate while I was in the bathroom.  It was a beautiful gold necklace with a small locket engraved with my initial.  I, of course, loved it.  Things were great until right around Halloween.  He came down to visit a few days before Halloween.  We went for a walk and a couple of miles from my house he tells me he thinks he should break up.  What?  I couldn't have possibly heard that correctly.  He was in love with me.  Now he wants to break up after eight months.  WTheck?  I was completely shocked!  I had not seen this coming at all.  I calmly asked him why he wanted to break up.  He told me that he had been listening to John Tesh the other day and ...
Okay, let me tell you what I had done before I share how John Tesh ruined my life.  lol
A few weeks before Mike broke up with me a divorced co-worker of his had her car quit one evening.  Now they were just co-workers, not even really close friends.  She called Mike to come "rescue" her.  Really?!  She knew Mike had a girlfriend.  They worked for a large company so, I know she had other co-workers, but she called Mike.  And of course, Mike went out at 10:00p.m. to give her a ride home and then went back and called a tow truck for her car.  My first response was that his co-worker, we'll call her "Hanna" was after him.  When her car broke down or when she caused her car to break down she immediately called her male co-worker who was in a newly committed relationship. 

Mike, of course, thought I was nuts and over reacting.  It is a possibility I was over reacting, but I don't think it was unreasonable for me to question her motives. 

Anyway, when Mike broke up with me he told me that he had listened to John Tesh the other night and he said if you are with someone who tends to be jealous you need to move on.  OMG!  I might have been a tiny bit jealous, but I wasn't off base with this chick.  She went on to break up another co-worker's marriage and hook up with him.  MIKE WAS AN IDIOT!  Seriously?!  You are going to base your relationship on generic advice from John Tesh?  Apparently so! 

What makes this even worse was that Mike and I had bonded with each other's families by this point.  When Mike dumped me he told me to be strong for my parents so they wouldn't be too upset that we had broken up.  What?!  You've just dumped me and I need to be strong for so my parents won't be too upset when they find out.  Heck no!  My dad needs to know it's okay to beat you to a bloody pulp.  HA! 

Geez!  John Tesh and Mike ruined the life I had begun planning.  My dad did want to beat Mike to a bloody pulp and so did my mom!  lol 

I can tell you that I have refused to listen to John Tesh on the radio every since then.  Unfortunately, I wasn't as smart about Mike.  He and I managed to get back together and break up two more times before our relationship finally ended. 

I might share the rest of the Mike story later.  If I can manage to do so without raising my blood pressure.  :)

Best "Date" Ever! :)

I was telling this story to an old college friend today and she suggested I blog about it.  So, I am!  Most of my blogs share experiences I've had with horrendously horrible guys!  This "date" is the opposite! 

Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away I had a "date" to the 1st or 2nd Harry Potter movie.  (Sorry, too long ago to remember which.)

The evening started with my "date" meeting me at my work place.  We arranged to meet in the parking lot. For reasons NOT of his own doing I had to drive.  He was prompt!  He immediately greeted me and told me that I looked very nice and the jacket I was wearing really flattered me.  (Dude, got BIG points with the compliment!)  We got in the car and started to leave.  We were actually heading to Logan's Roadhouse to met a group of Potter fans and another Potter fan needed a ride.  She was sitting in the passenger seat so my "date" jumped in the back seat.  My "date" said he hated to be a bother, but he had recently broken his arm and forgot his sling.  He asked if we could run by his house so he could get it and he also remembered that he had a coupon for a free dessert at Logan's.  While he ran into his house I told my friend that she needed to move to the back seat so my "date" could have the passenger's seat. 

My "date" came back with his sling, a coupon for free dessert and an appropriate amount of cologne on.  He hopped right in and buckled up.  He was a fabulous conversationalist for the whole ride.  When we got to the restaurant he held my door and waited for me to be seated.  He immediately told the waiter that he had a coupon for free dessert.  After dinner we went to the movie and he made sure I was seated before he sat down.  After the movie I drove him home.  We got to his house.  He thanked me for a wonderful evening and said he hoped we could do it again soon.  He leaned in and hugged me and then got out and went inside.

He was a perfect gentleman!  He treated me like a princess!  He was polite.  He was mannerly.  He was a good conversationalist (he even remembered to include my friend in our conversations.)  He was handsome.  So, he wasn't able to drive.  No big deal.  So, he used a coupon.  Very responsible.  He was the 10 year old son of some friends of mine.  They had 4 kids and I would take them all out at different times.  I took the twins out, I took the middle boy out and I took the oldest boy out for various excursions.  I enjoyed spending time with all of them.  It was always fun to play "Auntie" to these kids.  But I must admit that this evening stood out because the oldest boy (who I will refrain from naming because I would never want to embarrass him.... DD) was the sweetest, most wonderful "date" ever!

Here was his "auntie" taking him out to a movie she wanted to see anyway with a bunch of other work geeks, I meant work friends and he turned out to be my best "date" ever! 

Wish he could give pointers to the other men in my life!

Love you Big D!

Would never want to embarrass him, but seriously.  He was the best date ever!  Now he is in military school and has girls crazy for him!  I hope they realize how fabulous he is! 
Thanks for letting me be one of the first girls you practiced your mad skills on!  Love you and am so very proud of you Big D!

10 ways to know he's not the one!

I dated Mike for 3 years.  3 years!  Obviously, I thought Mike was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Why else would I have helped mow his lawn and plant flowers in the spring?!  You can bet I'll NEVER mow or plant flowers for another guy until there is a BIG diamond ring on my left ring finger!!!  Forget a diamond ring, I'll never mow or plant flowers for another guy until he says "I do!"


Having dated Mike for that long he had become an important part of my life.  My family loved him, his family loved me, my friends had gotten to know him.  It really did my heart good a while back when two of those friends told me they thought he was gay and that's why it didn't work out!  He's not!  But it made me feel good to know they thought he had to be to leave such a great catch!

But I digress!  My point to this blog is to share 10 ways you know someone is not "the one."
So, here we go...
Reason #10 - You consider PDA's (Public Display's of Affection) to be fairly intense, serious kissing in public.  He considers PDA's to be holding your hand at the bowling alley!
Reason #9 - You are a huge Jimmy Buffett fan.  He doesn't like Jimmy Buffett because he doesn't think he has a good voice.  You tell him that Jimmy's popularity is based in what he sings about not how he sings.  He doesn't get it!
Reason #8 - You love the movie Sweet Home Alabama because you have friends just like all of the characters in the movie.  He hates it because he thinks it is full of southern stereotypes.  You tell him they are stereotypes for a reason:  because they exist!
Reason #7 - Your hero is Dixie Carter/Julia Sugarbaker!  He didn't like Designing Women!  (This should have been the BIGGEST clue!) 
Reason #6 - You help clean his house before both of your families come over for a holiday dinner.  You do this because you are expecting this relationship to last forever.  He lets you help clean so he doesn't have to do it all himself.
Reason #5 - You mow his yard in the summer while you are off summer break.  You do this because you are expecting this relationship to last forever.  He lets you mow so he doesn't have to!
Reason #4 - You are madly in love and treat him like a prince.  He likes you a lot and treats you like his best buddy.
Reason #3 - You talk about names for future children.  He talks about names for the Braves' line up!
Reason #2 - You work for a non-profit.  He makes 6 figures.  You enjoy paying for special occasions and random events.  He thinks you should pay for at least half of all you do together.  (Can you say "TIGHTWADE?"  LOL)
Reason #1 - You realize you are a great catch!  He doesn't!

And that's the night the lights went out in Georgia!

I am a strong, intelligent, independent, single, Southern female!  Those of you who know me know that Dixie Carter is one of my heroes!  I love her character, Julia Sugarbaker, from Designing Women so much I often quote her and occasionally channel her when I am fed up with the stupidity of people.  (And let's face it, in today's world there are plenty of opportunities to get fed up with people's stupidity!) 

You may be asking yourself right about now what Dixie Carter has to do with my dating life.  Hang on!  I'm getting there!

Having said I can channel Julia Sugarbaker, let me also share with you that for the first three decades of my life I tried to avoid conflict in romantic relationships at all costs.  I am nearly embarrassed to admit that I dated a guy for three years and we never had a real fight.  Why?  Because I was afraid of upsetting him.  Because I was afraid of being myself.  And mainly, because I was afraid of losing him.  So, guess what happened? 
That's right, we broke up anyway! 

And the moral of that lesson is to always let your inner Dixie Carter/Julia Sugarbaker shine!

At 41 ripe years of age, I see no point in being anyone but myself.  I tend to say what I think and am not afraid of telling you why you are wrong.  I do try to be diplomatic and no matter what I am polite, bless their heart! 

So, last week I received a first message from a new guy on lotsoffishinthesea.com.  Let me share with you our first few messages:

Tuesday's messages:
New guy - "I like your profile."
Me -  "Thanks."  (I just checked my profile and realized my picture was turned sideways.)  "I'm glad you like the sideways picture of me." 
New guy - "Oh you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah to turn your picture."
Me - "Oh great.  I guess I'll go try that."

Notice please that no personal information was shared at all.  By Thursday I assumed I had heard all I was going to from New guy.

Saturday's messages:
New guy - "How is your day going?"
Me - "It's going pretty well.  What about yours?"
New guy - "Good.  I've done a lot of cleaning today.  Cleaned my apartment and car."
Me - "I did some house cleaning today.  I thought about washing my car, but never got around to it."
New guy - "I took my car to one of those where it pulls your car into the wash and people finish it up.  I always go out and inspect it before I leave."
Me- "I use those a lot too, but I don't care enough to inspect it.  I'm so glad we had a nice day."

Perhaps I should have realized here there was going to be a problem!

Saturday's messages continued:
New guy - "Me too."

Okay, that's enough!  I decide to ask some personal questions.

Saturday's messages continued:
Me - "Okay.  I've got five questions for you.  1.  What was your favorite cartoon as a child?  2.  What is your favorite  cartoon as an adult?  3.  How many siblings to you have?  4.  What is your longest relationship?  5.  Why did that relationship end?
My answers:  1.  Hong Kong Phooey  2.  Shrek.  3.  I'm an only  4.  3 years 5.  It ended because I saw us married and he didn't.
New guy - "1. Rocky and Bullwinkle  2.  Ren and Stimpy  3.  5 sisters and 1 brother  4.  7 years 5 months.  5. (Honestly, I don't remember what his answer was!)  I've always been told not to date only children."
Me - "Why would you not want to date an only child?"
New guy - "I've been told that since I come from such a large family I would not relate well to an only child.  They tend to be spoiled and selfish."

Please note how many pithy comments I refrained from making after this statement!

Saturday's messages continue once again:
Me - "Well, if you've been told not to do something I'd make sure I didn't do it.  Just try not to jump off a cliff when someone tells you to do that."
New guy - "Well, I can see you have a real temper and this just isn't going to work."
Me - "You think this is a temper.  Just wait until I go all Julia Sugarbaker on you.  Temper?!  You haven't seen my temper."

Being very calm and rational I immediately blocked him so I can't see anymore of his comments!

Geez!  What a jerk!  Let's face it.  If a guy can't handle me when I'm channeling Mary Jo or Charlene he's sure as heck not going to be able to handle my Julia!

As you can tell my new online dating adventure is off to a rip roaring start!

Men?!

Men confuse the H E double hockey sticks out of me.  Forget men are from Mars women are from Venus.  Women are from EARTH and men are from PLUTO which isn't even considered a planet anymore!  I mean honestly!!  What's wrong with men?!  Actually, I should probaby change that to "what's wrong with the men I meet?" 
I'm nearly embarassed to admit it, but I'm trying the online dating thing again.  First, if you are on an online dating site that should mean you are interested in dating.  Sadly, this isn't always the case.  The last guy I met from an online dating site was ACTUALLY married!!!!!
This is something you should probably mention to any prospective dates!  Married?!  OMG!!!! 
Let me give a bit of advice to all of my single friends and blog followers out there:  If they do not want you to come to their house with in the first 3 dates it's because THEIR WIVES are there!
Really?!  What's wrong with these guys?!  If the profile you choose to respond to is a good Christian girl who has never been married and doesn't seem like the type to cheat; PLEASE KEEP LOOKING!!

A truly bad first date!

I have had some bad first dates!  (I have had some bad 12th dates.)  But this time I want to share someone else's bad first date.

The year is 1968.  A cute brunette with bangs that dipped below one eye worked at Gross's.  (For you Trentonians it was more than a furniture store back then.)  A tall, darkly tanned, handsome man came in for something one day.  He thought the brunette was really cute so he kept finding reasons to come back into the store.  The handsome man was EXTREMELY shy and just couldn't work up the nerve to ask the brunette out on a date.  Finally, after his 7th or 8th trip into the store the cute brunette asked him to go to the football game with her on Friday.  The handsome man was SO excited that he immediately said yes!  They agreed to meet at the Dade County High School football game on Friday night.  She told him she would be waiting in front of the bleachers at the 50 yard line. 

Friday night came and the handsome, shy man who didn't talk a lot rushed down to the 50 yard line to meet the cute brunette.  After a few minutes he offered to get her something from the concession stand.  He left and came back about 10 minutes later.  After spending the next quarter with her he excused himself to go to the restroom.  He made it back by the beginning of the 4th quarter.

The cute brunette knew something was going on by this point.  She finally asked the handsome man why he had disappeared for so long.  He shrugged his shoulders and bowed his head and then said, "I had already had a date to the football game before you asked me out.  But I wanted to go out with you so bad I couldn't turn you down.  I've been running down to see the other date, but I finally told her I had a date with you and couldn't see her anymore." 

So, that night after the football game Dad drove Mom home and left the other girl to fend for herself.  (Sorry, other girl!) 

I am proud to say that that bad first date led to ME and 42 years of marriage. 

So, yes, I've had some bad first dates and let's face it all of mine have sucked.  But a bad first date can lead to HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Kristie's Top Ten List

Top Ten Reasons I am Single

Number 10 - I had to date your entire Sunday School class.
Number 9 - You have commitment issues.
Number 8 - You dated me until you had gastric bypass and lost all of that weight.  Then you broke up with me!!!
Number 7 - If this relationship had continued I would be living in a trailor in your Mother's yard.
Number 6 - If this relationship had continued there would be a Criminal Minds episode about what happened to me.  (Not kidding people.  I'll fill you in on this nut job later!)
Number 5 - You forget to mention you were already married in your personal's profile!
Number 4 - Seriously?!  A purple suit?!
Number 3 - You've had more steady boyfriends than I have!
Number 2 - "You never call, baby when you say you will."
And the Number One Reason why I'm still Single........


"I just haven't met you yet."

Two and a Half Men Minus One and a Half Men

I'm dating Charlie Harper!  (Thankfully, it's not Charlie Sheen.  My guy's not done time in rehab.)  But I am definitely dating Charlie Harper. 
Charlie's good looking.  My guy's good looking.  (Seriously, good looking.)
Charlie has lots of money.  My guy has lots of money.
Charlie works when he wants to.  My guy works when he wants to.
Charlie is an alcoholic.  Thankfully, my guy is not!
Charlie is a playa.  My guy is a playa!
Charlie is afraid of commitment.  My guy is afraid of commitment.

What's wrong with me?!  I'm dating Charlie Harper!  Seriously?! 

Actually, I have dated a guy who's a lot like Charlie Harper.  He's pretty well off, he's actually better looking than Charlie.  He's been quite a ladies' man (although, no where near as much so as Charlie.)  He's a real charmer and can wrap a woman around his finger in no time at all. 
Dating Charlie Harper can be a lot of fun!  He's always up for an evening out.  He's excellent on long drives when I have to go out of town for work.  He knows how to be charming and sweet.  He knows how to properly wine and dine a date.  He knows how to compliment a lady and make her feel good.

The only drawback is that he's "Charlie Harper."  Charlie is not going to get serious with a girl.  He's going to date them as long as it suits him.  He's only going to be available when it suits him.

I realize I won't be marrying "Charlie Harper" in the future.  But I think as long as I realize Charlie doesn't offer a future that it's okay to enjoy dating a fun guy like him for the time being. 

I know.  This isn't my typically funny blog, but I really wanted to share that I have indeed, dated a celebrity! 

Group Dating

I believe I have mentioned "Don the Dud" in previous blogs.  He's the one who my dad said did the "Don tease" when he would only pet Spike with 1 or 2 fingers on the very top of his head.  (You know, my big, ferocious Miniature Schnauzer.) 

Let me share the rest of the "Don the Dud" story.  Don and I met through eharmony.  You know they have all of those levels of compatibility that they match you on.  (I'm guessing we were matched on the following levels:  we lived within driving distance or each other, we were close to the same age, we both had a college education, and we were both Christians.)  I have dated freaks, geeks, and fairies; but I've never dated anyone who was more my opposite than Don.  Imagine Julia Sugarbaker dating Don Knotts.  Except in this case Don Knotts isn't funny. 

I'm a big girl so I really like big guys.  Don was shorter than me and I'm fairly certain I would have smothered him to death if I had ever fell on him.  Don was the most timid guy I've ever been around.  And he would NOT talk about his divorce.  We dated 6 months and towards the end I started questioning him about his divorce.  (At 6 months, the new girlfriend should know the details.)  He actually refused to answer my questions and told me to stop asking him about it. 

I did give this blog the title "Group Dating" for a reason.  Our first date was us meeting for lunch at Logan's Roadhouse.  It was a nice first date.  (This was around the middle of October.)  Our next date was a Halloween party with his Sunday School class. 
3rd date - dinner and a movie
4th date - His Sunday School retreat at Camp Skyline
5th date - His Sunday School, church, lunch with the S.S. class
6th date - ditto
7th date - farewell dinner for one of his co-workers (semi-famous in the Chatt. area, but I won't mention for fear of future lawsuit!)
7th date - His Sunday School Thanksgiving dinner party
8th date - dinner
9th date - dinner with his parents
10th date - His Sunday School Christmas party, his college reunion Christmas party and his work Christmas party
11th date - dinner with my parents
12th date - I co-hosted his Sunday School New Year's Eve Party at his house!
(You would think I would have caught on by the 12th date!)
Date 13 - dinner and a movie  (Yes, just the 2 of us!)
Date 14 - dinner, he tries to talk me into going on his Sunday School retreat to Gatlinburg.  (I need to tell you that at this point in my life I had quit teaching and was working as a substitute teacher until I figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life.  This means I don't have a lot of "extra" money.  Subs are SO underpaid!)  I tell Don that I simply can't afford to go.
Date 15 - lunch when Don tells me not to worry about the money that he wants me to go on the trip anyway.

Okay, what would you think that meant?  I "assumed" (and you know what they say about assumed) that meant he had paid my way.

But no...

Phone call 52 - Don tells me that the Sunday School class has a certain amount of money saved to cover the costs of people who can't afford to go on the Sunday School retreat in Gatlinburg. 

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have got to be kidding me?!  You told your Sunday School teacher that I couldn't afford to go on the trip and he said the class fund could cover me?!  You didn't pay for me yourself?!  OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was embarrassed and scrapped up the money to pay for the retreat myself. 

Sadly, this alone didn't cause me to end my relationship with Don the Dud.  Although, it did play a factor in the decision a couple of months later.

The Sound of Music

From my previous posts it would appear my dating life has been made up of "one hit wonders."  Although, I have had more than my fair share of those I have also had several long term relationships.  Today's blog will probably be the first of many that will share portions of my longest relationship to date.  (To save myself from a future lawsuit when this blog hits the big time we'll call him Mike.) 

Let me start by saying that from the moment I met Mike I thought he was "the one."  I really did!  It wasn't love at first sight, but still, I thought he was "the one" for me.  Three years later, I realized Mike had not caught the same relationship "wave."  I learned many, many lessons during my three years with Mike.  One of these lessons had to do with music.

After my relationship with Mike I developed a philosophy that I think is pretty much correct.
Do you hear music as background noise?
Or do you hear music as the soundtrack to your life? 
Music is the soundtrack of my life. 
As a kid my Saturday's revolved around music:  American Bandstand, Soul Train, Laurence Welk, HeeHaw, and Solid Gold.  (Yes, a very eclectic mix of music.) 
I've always sung along with the radio.  I'm one of those nuts you'll always see dancing and singing in their car.  (I've been told I'm rather amusing at red lights.) 
Getting ready for school as a kid Mom was always blasting Elton John, The Eagles, Billy Joel, etc. 
In the afternoons Dad had Hank, George, and Johnny going.  (If I need to add a last name to any of those you obviously hear music as background noise or you are just way young!)
 

I'm really not that great of a singer, but I put myself through two years of college with a music scholarship. 
I've sung in church choirs. 
If I hear a song twice I know it by heart. 
When I hear a song I can tell you what I was doing when I first heard it.
 Being a child of the '80s I can say that my life would be incomplete without Bon Jovi and I will always love George Michael! 
I am a music dork! 
I could seriously go on an updated version of "Name that Tune."
 I literally rode bicycles around Jekyll Island with two other musically dorked  (yes, I just made that word up)  friends and we sang the entire soundtrack to "The Sound of Music."  No, I am not kidding.  We knew the entire score.  Thank heavens it wasn't very crowded!  I love musicals!
I think life would be better if it came with a musical score. 
How can things not be better if we choose to "Sing in the Rain?" 

How does all of this relate to a dating philosophy?  Simple.  Where music was the soundtrack to my life it was background noise to Mike.  He enjoyed music, but he really didn't pay that much attention to it.  He even told me one time that it was just basically background noise.  And although he took me to see The Lion King on our third date and enjoyed it he told me he didn't like other musicals.  He thought it was silly to try to tell a story using songs.  I should have realized then we were incompatible.  Even worse, Mike used to complain about Jimmy Buffett.  He always said that J.B. had no real talent, he wasn't even a good singer.  Sure there are better singers then Jimmy Buffett, but true music lovers realize that Jimmy is insanely popular because of what he sings, not how he sings!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0---Q97pG4

So yes, that's my dating philosophy.  Both people have to have the same musical philosophy or it just won't work.  If you live your life to a musical score in your head you are not compatible with a person who considers music background noise!  And if you don't understand Buffett you cannot be with a Buffett fan!

The Tell-Tale Heart

Remember the Edgar Allen Poe story, "The Tell-Tale Heart"?  Mainly it was about a crazy dude who kept hearing the beating heart of the man he had murdered.  Apparently, Harry the hoarder suffered from a similar condition.  It wasn't his sense of hearing.  It was his sense of smell. 
I've included a link to the real story: 
http://www.literature.org/authors/poe-edgar-allan/tell-tale-heart.html
Sounds odd doesn't it?  Try dating someone who either has or thinks they have an overly developed sense of smell.  I'm very hygienic.  I always smell good and I don't exercise or work hard enough to work up a sweat very often.  I brush my teeth, I floss, I chew gum, and I usually carry mints in my purse.  I don't stink and I have good breath.  I've never had a guy complain about my breath when they kissed me.  Heck, I've never heard of a guy complaining about kissing in my life.  (Sorry for the generalization guys.)  But most guys are happy to be kissing.  I've been kissed after eating my half of a bloomin' onion at Outback.  In short, I've never had a guy complain about kissing me.  Until Harry!  I honestly don't know if it was real or imagined, but Harry would not kiss me until I brushed my teeth and/or used mouthwash.  I don't mean to take care of morning breath.  This was in the evening after a date.  No kiss until I had brushed.  Weird! 

Sadly, I just brushed this off as a bit eccentric the first time or two.  After we had been dating a couple of months (I had no cavities during this time!  hahaha!) Harry and I went to Gatlinburg with another couple.  I got up that first morning, did my regular routine, made sure I brushed, flossed and used mouth wash.  My friend, Jen, and I went out to meet the guys.  Jen and her boyfriend kissed.  I leaned in towards Harry for a quick kiss.  He barely touched my lips and said, "I think you are coming down with a cold.  Your breath smells really funny."  What?!  What?!  What normal, red blooded guy responds to a kiss that way? 

Yes, that's when it hit.  "Normal" is the key word in that question. 

Sadly, you would think that would have been the end of our relationship, but it wasn't.  I kept dating Harry for a few weeks.  Eventually, he came to my house one evening for pizza and a movie.  After he left I never heard from him again.  He had pizza, we watched a movie, yes he gave me a good bye kiss after I had used a breath mint, he drove off in his Trans Am, and he never called again!

Honestly, you can ask any of my friends or family.  I don't stink and I have good breath!
And when I realized he wasn't calling me, I didn't bother calling him.  So, there went the hoarder and the super sensitive smeller!

A&E ain't got nothin' on me Part II

I really don't get hoarding.  I am not a pack rat.  I go through my home and office twice a year and get rid of anything I no longer want or use.  If it's worth having and not doing me any good it needs to be donated.  If it's not worth having it needs to be thrown away.  Harry didn't subscribe to that philosophy! 

His house was a mess, that's really the only way to describe it.  Every room was piled full of crap!!!  Although, he had lots of everything you can think of he definitely had more books than anything else.  He had more books than the Trenton Public Library (before they moved into a smaller, temporary space.)  He easily had at least 10,000 books.  No way, he read a quarter of them.  He had books stacked in every room of the house, including the bathrooms.  He had shelves filled with books.  He had a large den and one wall was solid shelving.  Every centimeter was filled with books.  Name an author and I guarantee he's got a book by them.  He had books from every genre every created.  He still had every one of his college textbooks.  He had children's books, comic books, magazines, and graphic novels.  He even had dozens of copies of tracts that churches pass out for free and he wasn't passing them out.  He was keeping them!  Harry also had hundreds of videos and dvds.  He had dozens of half burned candles sitting around.  He had boxes of pencils, pens and markers that had never been opened.  He was into astronomy and had at least five gigantic telescopes.

The strangest think had to be his fully stocked bar.  He might have a drink with dinner, but he wasn't much of a drinker.  He had bottles and bottles of every type of liquor you can name.  And I'm not talking the little bottles; they had to be the biggest bottles sold.  Most of them had never been opened.  He had enough liquor in his house to make Charlie Sheen's character, Charlie Harper, look like a teetotaler.  (FYI - I've date Charlie Harper!  More on him in a future blog.  lol)  Seriously, he could have donated his liquor to Cheer's happy hour and it would have lasted for weeks. 

Doug was a strange fellow.  For unknown reasons I continued to date Harry for several weeks after seeing his house.  I eventually discovered hoarding wasn't the only issue he had. 

Continue reading "I should have washed my hair!" to find out what other eccentricities Hary had!  And to hear about the adventures of dating a real life "Charlie Harper."