Movie Night

I know I've given everyone the impression that every date I've ever had has been horrible.  But, that simply isn't true.  I've had many good dates over the years.  Some of these dates included the old standard of movie night.  I've enjoyed many, many movies over the years with many dates.   I've seen all sorts of movies on dates.  I'm managed to cajole a few dates into going to a chick flick, but mainly I am every guy's dream date when it comes to the movies.  I like action, I like super hero movies, I love sci-fi, I like guy movies.  I'll admit it!

Now, let's see if I can recall some of my more memorable movie nights...

Back in high school a big group of guys and girls went to see that Eddie Murphy movie where he rescued the Dali Lama as a kid or something.  We are just getting into the movie and for some reason it was turned up super loud, ridiculously loud.  We were all complaining among ourselves and all of a sudden my date yells "Turn it down!!!"  And I mean yells it.  Of course, that's when a moment of silence came in the movie.  So, everyone heard him.  I was embarrassed, but they turned the sound down right after!  (As an extra, after the movie we all went to eat at Gondolier's Pizza - you have to have been around Chattanooga for a while to know that name.  As we are driving to the restaurant my date says, "Oh, I love gonorrhea's pizza."  That was good for another serious laugh.)

The next memorable movie date I remember was Earl Goes to Camp.  My date was like 6'4" and probably weighed 150 soaking wet.  Two redneck jerks in ball caps were sitting in front of us and kept making rude comments, throwing popcorn, and spitting their tobaccy in the floor.  I was disgusted and kept making comments towards them.  Naturally, they weighed in at probably 220 each.  They finally gave my date one too many dirty looks and he begged me to shut up so he wouldn't have to fight them.  As soon as the credits rolled he grabbed my hand and drug me to the door.

This wasn't a date, but it is a very memorable movie night.  I remember going to see a lame comedy in the late '80s or early '90s.  We had been waiting in line for a while and when we finally got to the ticket window I said, "One for Casual Sex please."  As the attendant, my friend, and everyone within ear shot cracked up I turned an unbecoming shade of red.  My friend stepped up to the ticket window and said, "I'll have one for the same movie."

I went to see Mission Impossible with  a date who miraculously is on my list of facebook friends.  (Yes, it happens sometimes.  Especially, when you find out you are playing for the same team.  That'll be a future blog.)  We had a good time.  Nothing embarrassing happened.  But, something hilarious occurred.  It was the scene where Tom Cruise is dropping down from the ceiling and he can't make any noise, or cause the temperature to change, or sweat.  So, the screen is completely silent and amazingly the audience was as well.  All of a sudden we hear the sound of flatulence.  My date and I look at each other thinking did Tom Cruise just fart.  You could hear other audience members questioning it.  Then we heard a faint chuckle and it rumbled up towards us.  Eventually, the whole audience was laughing.  Some one had indeed farted!  It was pretty darn funny!

One of my favorite movie night highlights happened during a movie I can't even remember.  We were sitting through the ads waiting for the movie and some guy came in the theater.  He walked down one side of the theater, walked across the very front, and then back up the other side.  When he got to the top he yelled, "Where the hell are you?"  In a moment we heard someone very meekly say "over here."  The whole audience cracked up.

My favorite movie memory is actually about an ex boyfriend's mother.  Now keep in mind, this was a 65+ year old lady.  We took her to see Meet the Fockers.  When we got to the theater she got up to the ticket window first and proceeded to ask for three tickets to see Meet the F*ckers.  Who knew one little vowel made such a difference!

I'm back

I had to take a break from blogging after I lost my dad.  I've had a tough year, but I think I'm ready to get back to blogging.  I've blogged about losers and freaks, geeks and nerds, flakes and fairies, but I've got one that tops them all!  Some of my friends said I would have to break this guy into several different guys because no one would believe one guy was this screwed up, but yes one guy was this screwed up.  And I, of course, found him!  I'll have to have more time to share the details of this guy, we'll call him Bucky.  As a small preview, I'll just say that Bucky could be a whole week's worth of Dr. Phil episodes and I am very grateful that I didn't turn out to be an episode of Criminal Minds! 

I'm Not Asking for the Moon

Honestly, you would think I had asked these guys I date for the moon.  I didn't!  I really, really didn't!
I'm trying to keep from believing all guys are jerks, but it's getting harder and harder every day! 

Sadly, I have an extremely long history of guys I'm dating disappointing me.  Please take note of the fact that I bend over backwards to try to please them.  If they mention their favorite food I cook it for supper.  If they mention something they love it is their b-day or Christmas gift.  Unfortunately, they don't usually reciprocate. 

The first example I can remember is when I was dating Chaz.  I had asked Chaz several times to be my date for my 5 year high school reunion.  He kept saying no, time after time.  I finally sent in my rsvp for 1.  He told me a few days before the reunion he'd be willing to go.  I said no thanks!

Now, I have to say that in the beginning of our relationship Mike went out of his way to do things I had expressed an interest in.  Just a few weeks into our relationship I had mentioned that I'd like to see The Lion King musical in ATL.  He got us tickets.  I told him I'd never seen a Braves game or attended a college football game and he took me to both!  A couple of years into our relationship we were planning a trip to Biloxi.  I wanted to go see Harry Connick, Jr. in concert.  (Please note that Mike made a 6 figure salary.)  Mike said we could stay at the Beau Rivage (an upscale hotel and casino in Biloxi) or go see Harry, but not both.  Okay, I wasn't really upset, but I kept thinking why not both.  I picked Harry and we stayed at some cheap-o place in Biloxi.  The worst disappointment I had with Mike actually occurred after we broke up.  I knew he was seriously dating someone else and that was okay.  We still kept in touch to a degree.  A few weeks after Thanksgiving Mike called me to check in.  He told me he was thinking about me when he and his new girlfriend were in NYC watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade because he knew that was on my Bucket List.  WTH!!!  Really, you went with another girl to do something on my bucket list and you bragged about it?!  Forget you!

A few years back I dated the hoarder.  On top of being a hoarder he was an astrology buff.  He had great telescopes and loved star gazing.  I mentioned on a date that one of my dream dates was to sit out in a field on an old blanket star gazing.  Guess what was one of the things he didn't bother to do?  That's right!  Forget stargazing.  We never even looked through the telescope sitting on his deck!

I know I've mentioned my "Charlie Sheen" guy.  On top of being a Charlie Sheen clone he is also seriously into rafting.  I have mentioned several times that I'd love to go rafting.  What have we not done?  Correct!  We have not gone rafting.  To put icing on the cake I had mentioned last week that I would love to see a certain movie.  Guess what movie he saw this weekend after he went rafting?

Good grief!  I'm really not asking for the moon!  But it would be nice if a guy even bothered to pay attention to my interests and needs!

My guess, is it would take a trip to the moon and further out into space to find someone who would.

Jeff Foxworthy takes on online dating!

I've done the online dating thing off and on for several years.  I've discovered all sorts of guys online, ALL SORTS.  I've discovered that lots of the really, really good looking guys are just pictures people in Nigeria have posted to try to scam you.  (You really thought I would send money to South Africa because your dear old granny was back in the U.K. sick?)  I've discovered my neighbor's husband's profile.  (No, they were still married and she didn't know he was on a singles site trolling for women.)  I've discovered that 60 year old men think they can convince women they are just 45.  But more than anything, I've discovered that online dating profiles features an over abundance of rednecks. 

I'm hoping to pass this on to Jeff and have him use it in his next stand up routine.

You might have a redneck profile if...
                            you have a bandanna tied around your head.
                            you have posed in front of your bathroom mirror shirtless to take your profile picture.
                            you can see more of the deer's head than of your own in your profile pic.
                            all 10 of your pictures show you beside a vehicle (4-wheeler, Jeep, motorcycle, muscle
                            car, jacked up truck, tractor, dirt bike etc.)
                            you think "an" is the same as "and."
                            you don't bother to hit spell check before publishing your profile.
                            you are in camo carrying an automatic weapon posing beside a deer's body in your
                            profile pic.
                            your profile name contains any part of the following:
                                                                billy bob
                                                                tiger, cougar, lion
                                                                bear
                                                                "dalelives"
                                                                git 'er done
                                                                rambo
                                                                harley
                                                                davidson
                                                                stump
                                                                cun tree (and this could go on and on and on)
                            you are wearing overalls in your profile pic.
                            you think a cowboy hat, a sleeveless t-shirt tucked into tight blue jeans makes you look
                            hot.
                           
This list could literally go on and on forever.  And will probably include sequels in the future!

Totally and completely P.O.'d!

I try to keep my blogs humorous.  If a 41 year old single can't find humor in their dating life they might as well forget about it! 
However, this time I am blogging because I am totally and completely pissed!!!  I dated a guy, Mike White, for 3 years.  That is longer than a lot of marriages!  Mike wasn't perfect and neither was I.  But I was crazy about Mike and thought he was the "one."  Mike had other ideas.  But that's okay.  Time and distance have let me see how much better off I am without Mike White!!! 
Two of my bff's thought Mike was gay.  (Yes, that made my day!)  Mike wasn't gay.  Mike and I met through an online dating site and he went right back to that site to find the next one.  Of course, he married the next one.  (One of the reasons we broke up was because he had decided he was too old to have children.)  And he and the next one have an adorable baby girl.  And I am okay with that!  Seriously, I am okay with that! 
But, M.W. and I had dated for 3 years.  We had become an important part of each other's lives.  I loved his parents, siblings, nieces, etc.  He loved my parents.  His family loved me.  My family loved him.  When we finally broke up we kept in contact for a while.  Finally, when he started seeing his then future wife we parted company with the exception that we wanted to know when someone in our families died.  I assume his immediate family is still doing okay since I haven't heard any differently.  (I have changed phone numbers since then, but I still have the same email address!) 
I lost my father in January.  I debated on letting M.W. know about it, but I knew I would want to know if either of his parents had passed away.  I had one of my bff's send him a message through facebook.  He got the message.  He actually responded to her message. 
I, of course, have not heard a word from him.  No funeral home visitation, no phone call, no email, no freakin' telegraph!  Seriously?!  We dated for 3 years, we spent lots of time with each others' families.  My dad dies.  I am a single, only child; my father dies and I don't even get a sympathy card in the mail?

Yes, M.W.  totally and completely pissed me off!  But guess what?  After all of these years, I have finally realized that M.W. is and was a complete jerk!  Not worthy of me!!!

Btw - my bff's told me they were glad M.W. didn't show up at the funeral because they were certain Dad would have come up out of the coffin and hurt him!  lol

Cha-ching

Many years ago I dated Chaz.  Chaz was an okay guy, a bit boring.  But otherwise okay.  I actually knew Chaz through a family connection and I knew all of Chaz's family before we ever went out.  They were GREAT!  Looking back, I realize I probably liked Chaz's family more than I did him.  I loved his parents, I loved his siblings and his nieces and nephews.  Unfortunately, to keep them I would have had to keep Chaz as well. 
I eventually broke up with Chaz, mainly because he bored the stew out of me.
But for this blog, I'll share one of my earlier dates with Chaz... 
I actually dated Chaz when I worked at a bank.  (A bank!)  So, when Chaz came to pick me up one evening for a date he actually came through the drive thru where I was working shortly before we closed.  He cashed a check.  He cashed a small check.  He cashed a $20 check.  (It was the 90's so $20 went a bit further then it does today.)  But still it was a $20 check.  My co-worker cashed his check and when she checked his balance to see if he had enough money to cover the check I casually leaned over to look at the balance.  Chaz had several thousand in his checking account.  And he cashed a $20 check. 
Chaz went and parked in the employee lot and waited on me.  I quickly closed out my drawer and went out to meet him.  We left and went to Chattanooga.  He wanted to have dinner at Shoney's (it was the EARLY 90's.)  I readily agreed.  We had dinner and then ordered strawberry pie for dessert.  Yum!  My fav!  Afterwards we drove to the movie theater.  (Okay, I should tell you that at this point in my life I was a college graduate, but I was still working at my college job for minimum wage.)  He had cashed a check, I was basically broke all of the time and I didn't have more than $2 on me.  We went to the theater, asked for the tickets and he realized he didn't have enough money.
What?!  You have several thousand dollars in your bank account, but you didn't cash a big enough check to cover your date!  Ugh!  Unfortunately, my $2 didn't pay for the tickets.  We had to leave.  (Being that this was in my early 20's.)  I was SO horribly embarrassed!  The girl at the ticket counter just shook her head at me and gave me a pitying look.  Geez!
I guess that was the beginning of the end of Chaz. 

How John Tesh Runied my Life

Okay, this blog may be a bit more serious than my other blogs.  Most of the guys I've blogged about have been one hit wonders or at most one album wonders.  But then there was Mike.  Mike was multi platinum.  Mike and I dated for three years.  A month into our relationship Mike said those three words, yup.  "I love you."  Stupid me believed him.  Mike was fabulous.  He knew I had always wanted to see a Brave's game so he got good tickets to a game for our six month anniversary.  We had dinner at a fabulous restaurant in Atlanta and he even had the waiter put my gift on our dessert plate while I was in the bathroom.  It was a beautiful gold necklace with a small locket engraved with my initial.  I, of course, loved it.  Things were great until right around Halloween.  He came down to visit a few days before Halloween.  We went for a walk and a couple of miles from my house he tells me he thinks he should break up.  What?  I couldn't have possibly heard that correctly.  He was in love with me.  Now he wants to break up after eight months.  WTheck?  I was completely shocked!  I had not seen this coming at all.  I calmly asked him why he wanted to break up.  He told me that he had been listening to John Tesh the other day and ...
Okay, let me tell you what I had done before I share how John Tesh ruined my life.  lol
A few weeks before Mike broke up with me a divorced co-worker of his had her car quit one evening.  Now they were just co-workers, not even really close friends.  She called Mike to come "rescue" her.  Really?!  She knew Mike had a girlfriend.  They worked for a large company so, I know she had other co-workers, but she called Mike.  And of course, Mike went out at 10:00p.m. to give her a ride home and then went back and called a tow truck for her car.  My first response was that his co-worker, we'll call her "Hanna" was after him.  When her car broke down or when she caused her car to break down she immediately called her male co-worker who was in a newly committed relationship. 

Mike, of course, thought I was nuts and over reacting.  It is a possibility I was over reacting, but I don't think it was unreasonable for me to question her motives. 

Anyway, when Mike broke up with me he told me that he had listened to John Tesh the other night and he said if you are with someone who tends to be jealous you need to move on.  OMG!  I might have been a tiny bit jealous, but I wasn't off base with this chick.  She went on to break up another co-worker's marriage and hook up with him.  MIKE WAS AN IDIOT!  Seriously?!  You are going to base your relationship on generic advice from John Tesh?  Apparently so! 

What makes this even worse was that Mike and I had bonded with each other's families by this point.  When Mike dumped me he told me to be strong for my parents so they wouldn't be too upset that we had broken up.  What?!  You've just dumped me and I need to be strong for so my parents won't be too upset when they find out.  Heck no!  My dad needs to know it's okay to beat you to a bloody pulp.  HA! 

Geez!  John Tesh and Mike ruined the life I had begun planning.  My dad did want to beat Mike to a bloody pulp and so did my mom!  lol 

I can tell you that I have refused to listen to John Tesh on the radio every since then.  Unfortunately, I wasn't as smart about Mike.  He and I managed to get back together and break up two more times before our relationship finally ended. 

I might share the rest of the Mike story later.  If I can manage to do so without raising my blood pressure.  :)

Best "Date" Ever! :)

I was telling this story to an old college friend today and she suggested I blog about it.  So, I am!  Most of my blogs share experiences I've had with horrendously horrible guys!  This "date" is the opposite! 

Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away I had a "date" to the 1st or 2nd Harry Potter movie.  (Sorry, too long ago to remember which.)

The evening started with my "date" meeting me at my work place.  We arranged to meet in the parking lot. For reasons NOT of his own doing I had to drive.  He was prompt!  He immediately greeted me and told me that I looked very nice and the jacket I was wearing really flattered me.  (Dude, got BIG points with the compliment!)  We got in the car and started to leave.  We were actually heading to Logan's Roadhouse to met a group of Potter fans and another Potter fan needed a ride.  She was sitting in the passenger seat so my "date" jumped in the back seat.  My "date" said he hated to be a bother, but he had recently broken his arm and forgot his sling.  He asked if we could run by his house so he could get it and he also remembered that he had a coupon for a free dessert at Logan's.  While he ran into his house I told my friend that she needed to move to the back seat so my "date" could have the passenger's seat. 

My "date" came back with his sling, a coupon for free dessert and an appropriate amount of cologne on.  He hopped right in and buckled up.  He was a fabulous conversationalist for the whole ride.  When we got to the restaurant he held my door and waited for me to be seated.  He immediately told the waiter that he had a coupon for free dessert.  After dinner we went to the movie and he made sure I was seated before he sat down.  After the movie I drove him home.  We got to his house.  He thanked me for a wonderful evening and said he hoped we could do it again soon.  He leaned in and hugged me and then got out and went inside.

He was a perfect gentleman!  He treated me like a princess!  He was polite.  He was mannerly.  He was a good conversationalist (he even remembered to include my friend in our conversations.)  He was handsome.  So, he wasn't able to drive.  No big deal.  So, he used a coupon.  Very responsible.  He was the 10 year old son of some friends of mine.  They had 4 kids and I would take them all out at different times.  I took the twins out, I took the middle boy out and I took the oldest boy out for various excursions.  I enjoyed spending time with all of them.  It was always fun to play "Auntie" to these kids.  But I must admit that this evening stood out because the oldest boy (who I will refrain from naming because I would never want to embarrass him.... DD) was the sweetest, most wonderful "date" ever!

Here was his "auntie" taking him out to a movie she wanted to see anyway with a bunch of other work geeks, I meant work friends and he turned out to be my best "date" ever! 

Wish he could give pointers to the other men in my life!

Love you Big D!

Would never want to embarrass him, but seriously.  He was the best date ever!  Now he is in military school and has girls crazy for him!  I hope they realize how fabulous he is! 
Thanks for letting me be one of the first girls you practiced your mad skills on!  Love you and am so very proud of you Big D!

10 ways to know he's not the one!

I dated Mike for 3 years.  3 years!  Obviously, I thought Mike was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Why else would I have helped mow his lawn and plant flowers in the spring?!  You can bet I'll NEVER mow or plant flowers for another guy until there is a BIG diamond ring on my left ring finger!!!  Forget a diamond ring, I'll never mow or plant flowers for another guy until he says "I do!"


Having dated Mike for that long he had become an important part of my life.  My family loved him, his family loved me, my friends had gotten to know him.  It really did my heart good a while back when two of those friends told me they thought he was gay and that's why it didn't work out!  He's not!  But it made me feel good to know they thought he had to be to leave such a great catch!

But I digress!  My point to this blog is to share 10 ways you know someone is not "the one."
So, here we go...
Reason #10 - You consider PDA's (Public Display's of Affection) to be fairly intense, serious kissing in public.  He considers PDA's to be holding your hand at the bowling alley!
Reason #9 - You are a huge Jimmy Buffett fan.  He doesn't like Jimmy Buffett because he doesn't think he has a good voice.  You tell him that Jimmy's popularity is based in what he sings about not how he sings.  He doesn't get it!
Reason #8 - You love the movie Sweet Home Alabama because you have friends just like all of the characters in the movie.  He hates it because he thinks it is full of southern stereotypes.  You tell him they are stereotypes for a reason:  because they exist!
Reason #7 - Your hero is Dixie Carter/Julia Sugarbaker!  He didn't like Designing Women!  (This should have been the BIGGEST clue!) 
Reason #6 - You help clean his house before both of your families come over for a holiday dinner.  You do this because you are expecting this relationship to last forever.  He lets you help clean so he doesn't have to do it all himself.
Reason #5 - You mow his yard in the summer while you are off summer break.  You do this because you are expecting this relationship to last forever.  He lets you mow so he doesn't have to!
Reason #4 - You are madly in love and treat him like a prince.  He likes you a lot and treats you like his best buddy.
Reason #3 - You talk about names for future children.  He talks about names for the Braves' line up!
Reason #2 - You work for a non-profit.  He makes 6 figures.  You enjoy paying for special occasions and random events.  He thinks you should pay for at least half of all you do together.  (Can you say "TIGHTWADE?"  LOL)
Reason #1 - You realize you are a great catch!  He doesn't!

And that's the night the lights went out in Georgia!

I am a strong, intelligent, independent, single, Southern female!  Those of you who know me know that Dixie Carter is one of my heroes!  I love her character, Julia Sugarbaker, from Designing Women so much I often quote her and occasionally channel her when I am fed up with the stupidity of people.  (And let's face it, in today's world there are plenty of opportunities to get fed up with people's stupidity!) 

You may be asking yourself right about now what Dixie Carter has to do with my dating life.  Hang on!  I'm getting there!

Having said I can channel Julia Sugarbaker, let me also share with you that for the first three decades of my life I tried to avoid conflict in romantic relationships at all costs.  I am nearly embarrassed to admit that I dated a guy for three years and we never had a real fight.  Why?  Because I was afraid of upsetting him.  Because I was afraid of being myself.  And mainly, because I was afraid of losing him.  So, guess what happened? 
That's right, we broke up anyway! 

And the moral of that lesson is to always let your inner Dixie Carter/Julia Sugarbaker shine!

At 41 ripe years of age, I see no point in being anyone but myself.  I tend to say what I think and am not afraid of telling you why you are wrong.  I do try to be diplomatic and no matter what I am polite, bless their heart! 

So, last week I received a first message from a new guy on lotsoffishinthesea.com.  Let me share with you our first few messages:

Tuesday's messages:
New guy - "I like your profile."
Me -  "Thanks."  (I just checked my profile and realized my picture was turned sideways.)  "I'm glad you like the sideways picture of me." 
New guy - "Oh you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah to turn your picture."
Me - "Oh great.  I guess I'll go try that."

Notice please that no personal information was shared at all.  By Thursday I assumed I had heard all I was going to from New guy.

Saturday's messages:
New guy - "How is your day going?"
Me - "It's going pretty well.  What about yours?"
New guy - "Good.  I've done a lot of cleaning today.  Cleaned my apartment and car."
Me - "I did some house cleaning today.  I thought about washing my car, but never got around to it."
New guy - "I took my car to one of those where it pulls your car into the wash and people finish it up.  I always go out and inspect it before I leave."
Me- "I use those a lot too, but I don't care enough to inspect it.  I'm so glad we had a nice day."

Perhaps I should have realized here there was going to be a problem!

Saturday's messages continued:
New guy - "Me too."

Okay, that's enough!  I decide to ask some personal questions.

Saturday's messages continued:
Me - "Okay.  I've got five questions for you.  1.  What was your favorite cartoon as a child?  2.  What is your favorite  cartoon as an adult?  3.  How many siblings to you have?  4.  What is your longest relationship?  5.  Why did that relationship end?
My answers:  1.  Hong Kong Phooey  2.  Shrek.  3.  I'm an only  4.  3 years 5.  It ended because I saw us married and he didn't.
New guy - "1. Rocky and Bullwinkle  2.  Ren and Stimpy  3.  5 sisters and 1 brother  4.  7 years 5 months.  5. (Honestly, I don't remember what his answer was!)  I've always been told not to date only children."
Me - "Why would you not want to date an only child?"
New guy - "I've been told that since I come from such a large family I would not relate well to an only child.  They tend to be spoiled and selfish."

Please note how many pithy comments I refrained from making after this statement!

Saturday's messages continue once again:
Me - "Well, if you've been told not to do something I'd make sure I didn't do it.  Just try not to jump off a cliff when someone tells you to do that."
New guy - "Well, I can see you have a real temper and this just isn't going to work."
Me - "You think this is a temper.  Just wait until I go all Julia Sugarbaker on you.  Temper?!  You haven't seen my temper."

Being very calm and rational I immediately blocked him so I can't see anymore of his comments!

Geez!  What a jerk!  Let's face it.  If a guy can't handle me when I'm channeling Mary Jo or Charlene he's sure as heck not going to be able to handle my Julia!

As you can tell my new online dating adventure is off to a rip roaring start!

Men?!

Men confuse the H E double hockey sticks out of me.  Forget men are from Mars women are from Venus.  Women are from EARTH and men are from PLUTO which isn't even considered a planet anymore!  I mean honestly!!  What's wrong with men?!  Actually, I should probaby change that to "what's wrong with the men I meet?" 
I'm nearly embarassed to admit it, but I'm trying the online dating thing again.  First, if you are on an online dating site that should mean you are interested in dating.  Sadly, this isn't always the case.  The last guy I met from an online dating site was ACTUALLY married!!!!!
This is something you should probably mention to any prospective dates!  Married?!  OMG!!!! 
Let me give a bit of advice to all of my single friends and blog followers out there:  If they do not want you to come to their house with in the first 3 dates it's because THEIR WIVES are there!
Really?!  What's wrong with these guys?!  If the profile you choose to respond to is a good Christian girl who has never been married and doesn't seem like the type to cheat; PLEASE KEEP LOOKING!!

A truly bad first date!

I have had some bad first dates!  (I have had some bad 12th dates.)  But this time I want to share someone else's bad first date.

The year is 1968.  A cute brunette with bangs that dipped below one eye worked at Gross's.  (For you Trentonians it was more than a furniture store back then.)  A tall, darkly tanned, handsome man came in for something one day.  He thought the brunette was really cute so he kept finding reasons to come back into the store.  The handsome man was EXTREMELY shy and just couldn't work up the nerve to ask the brunette out on a date.  Finally, after his 7th or 8th trip into the store the cute brunette asked him to go to the football game with her on Friday.  The handsome man was SO excited that he immediately said yes!  They agreed to meet at the Dade County High School football game on Friday night.  She told him she would be waiting in front of the bleachers at the 50 yard line. 

Friday night came and the handsome, shy man who didn't talk a lot rushed down to the 50 yard line to meet the cute brunette.  After a few minutes he offered to get her something from the concession stand.  He left and came back about 10 minutes later.  After spending the next quarter with her he excused himself to go to the restroom.  He made it back by the beginning of the 4th quarter.

The cute brunette knew something was going on by this point.  She finally asked the handsome man why he had disappeared for so long.  He shrugged his shoulders and bowed his head and then said, "I had already had a date to the football game before you asked me out.  But I wanted to go out with you so bad I couldn't turn you down.  I've been running down to see the other date, but I finally told her I had a date with you and couldn't see her anymore." 

So, that night after the football game Dad drove Mom home and left the other girl to fend for herself.  (Sorry, other girl!) 

I am proud to say that that bad first date led to ME and 42 years of marriage. 

So, yes, I've had some bad first dates and let's face it all of mine have sucked.  But a bad first date can lead to HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Kristie's Top Ten List

Top Ten Reasons I am Single

Number 10 - I had to date your entire Sunday School class.
Number 9 - You have commitment issues.
Number 8 - You dated me until you had gastric bypass and lost all of that weight.  Then you broke up with me!!!
Number 7 - If this relationship had continued I would be living in a trailor in your Mother's yard.
Number 6 - If this relationship had continued there would be a Criminal Minds episode about what happened to me.  (Not kidding people.  I'll fill you in on this nut job later!)
Number 5 - You forget to mention you were already married in your personal's profile!
Number 4 - Seriously?!  A purple suit?!
Number 3 - You've had more steady boyfriends than I have!
Number 2 - "You never call, baby when you say you will."
And the Number One Reason why I'm still Single........


"I just haven't met you yet."

Two and a Half Men Minus One and a Half Men

I'm dating Charlie Harper!  (Thankfully, it's not Charlie Sheen.  My guy's not done time in rehab.)  But I am definitely dating Charlie Harper. 
Charlie's good looking.  My guy's good looking.  (Seriously, good looking.)
Charlie has lots of money.  My guy has lots of money.
Charlie works when he wants to.  My guy works when he wants to.
Charlie is an alcoholic.  Thankfully, my guy is not!
Charlie is a playa.  My guy is a playa!
Charlie is afraid of commitment.  My guy is afraid of commitment.

What's wrong with me?!  I'm dating Charlie Harper!  Seriously?! 

Actually, I have dated a guy who's a lot like Charlie Harper.  He's pretty well off, he's actually better looking than Charlie.  He's been quite a ladies' man (although, no where near as much so as Charlie.)  He's a real charmer and can wrap a woman around his finger in no time at all. 
Dating Charlie Harper can be a lot of fun!  He's always up for an evening out.  He's excellent on long drives when I have to go out of town for work.  He knows how to be charming and sweet.  He knows how to properly wine and dine a date.  He knows how to compliment a lady and make her feel good.

The only drawback is that he's "Charlie Harper."  Charlie is not going to get serious with a girl.  He's going to date them as long as it suits him.  He's only going to be available when it suits him.

I realize I won't be marrying "Charlie Harper" in the future.  But I think as long as I realize Charlie doesn't offer a future that it's okay to enjoy dating a fun guy like him for the time being. 

I know.  This isn't my typically funny blog, but I really wanted to share that I have indeed, dated a celebrity! 

Group Dating

I believe I have mentioned "Don the Dud" in previous blogs.  He's the one who my dad said did the "Don tease" when he would only pet Spike with 1 or 2 fingers on the very top of his head.  (You know, my big, ferocious Miniature Schnauzer.) 

Let me share the rest of the "Don the Dud" story.  Don and I met through eharmony.  You know they have all of those levels of compatibility that they match you on.  (I'm guessing we were matched on the following levels:  we lived within driving distance or each other, we were close to the same age, we both had a college education, and we were both Christians.)  I have dated freaks, geeks, and fairies; but I've never dated anyone who was more my opposite than Don.  Imagine Julia Sugarbaker dating Don Knotts.  Except in this case Don Knotts isn't funny. 

I'm a big girl so I really like big guys.  Don was shorter than me and I'm fairly certain I would have smothered him to death if I had ever fell on him.  Don was the most timid guy I've ever been around.  And he would NOT talk about his divorce.  We dated 6 months and towards the end I started questioning him about his divorce.  (At 6 months, the new girlfriend should know the details.)  He actually refused to answer my questions and told me to stop asking him about it. 

I did give this blog the title "Group Dating" for a reason.  Our first date was us meeting for lunch at Logan's Roadhouse.  It was a nice first date.  (This was around the middle of October.)  Our next date was a Halloween party with his Sunday School class. 
3rd date - dinner and a movie
4th date - His Sunday School retreat at Camp Skyline
5th date - His Sunday School, church, lunch with the S.S. class
6th date - ditto
7th date - farewell dinner for one of his co-workers (semi-famous in the Chatt. area, but I won't mention for fear of future lawsuit!)
7th date - His Sunday School Thanksgiving dinner party
8th date - dinner
9th date - dinner with his parents
10th date - His Sunday School Christmas party, his college reunion Christmas party and his work Christmas party
11th date - dinner with my parents
12th date - I co-hosted his Sunday School New Year's Eve Party at his house!
(You would think I would have caught on by the 12th date!)
Date 13 - dinner and a movie  (Yes, just the 2 of us!)
Date 14 - dinner, he tries to talk me into going on his Sunday School retreat to Gatlinburg.  (I need to tell you that at this point in my life I had quit teaching and was working as a substitute teacher until I figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life.  This means I don't have a lot of "extra" money.  Subs are SO underpaid!)  I tell Don that I simply can't afford to go.
Date 15 - lunch when Don tells me not to worry about the money that he wants me to go on the trip anyway.

Okay, what would you think that meant?  I "assumed" (and you know what they say about assumed) that meant he had paid my way.

But no...

Phone call 52 - Don tells me that the Sunday School class has a certain amount of money saved to cover the costs of people who can't afford to go on the Sunday School retreat in Gatlinburg. 

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have got to be kidding me?!  You told your Sunday School teacher that I couldn't afford to go on the trip and he said the class fund could cover me?!  You didn't pay for me yourself?!  OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was embarrassed and scrapped up the money to pay for the retreat myself. 

Sadly, this alone didn't cause me to end my relationship with Don the Dud.  Although, it did play a factor in the decision a couple of months later.

The Sound of Music

From my previous posts it would appear my dating life has been made up of "one hit wonders."  Although, I have had more than my fair share of those I have also had several long term relationships.  Today's blog will probably be the first of many that will share portions of my longest relationship to date.  (To save myself from a future lawsuit when this blog hits the big time we'll call him Mike.) 

Let me start by saying that from the moment I met Mike I thought he was "the one."  I really did!  It wasn't love at first sight, but still, I thought he was "the one" for me.  Three years later, I realized Mike had not caught the same relationship "wave."  I learned many, many lessons during my three years with Mike.  One of these lessons had to do with music.

After my relationship with Mike I developed a philosophy that I think is pretty much correct.
Do you hear music as background noise?
Or do you hear music as the soundtrack to your life? 
Music is the soundtrack of my life. 
As a kid my Saturday's revolved around music:  American Bandstand, Soul Train, Laurence Welk, HeeHaw, and Solid Gold.  (Yes, a very eclectic mix of music.) 
I've always sung along with the radio.  I'm one of those nuts you'll always see dancing and singing in their car.  (I've been told I'm rather amusing at red lights.) 
Getting ready for school as a kid Mom was always blasting Elton John, The Eagles, Billy Joel, etc. 
In the afternoons Dad had Hank, George, and Johnny going.  (If I need to add a last name to any of those you obviously hear music as background noise or you are just way young!)
 

I'm really not that great of a singer, but I put myself through two years of college with a music scholarship. 
I've sung in church choirs. 
If I hear a song twice I know it by heart. 
When I hear a song I can tell you what I was doing when I first heard it.
 Being a child of the '80s I can say that my life would be incomplete without Bon Jovi and I will always love George Michael! 
I am a music dork! 
I could seriously go on an updated version of "Name that Tune."
 I literally rode bicycles around Jekyll Island with two other musically dorked  (yes, I just made that word up)  friends and we sang the entire soundtrack to "The Sound of Music."  No, I am not kidding.  We knew the entire score.  Thank heavens it wasn't very crowded!  I love musicals!
I think life would be better if it came with a musical score. 
How can things not be better if we choose to "Sing in the Rain?" 

How does all of this relate to a dating philosophy?  Simple.  Where music was the soundtrack to my life it was background noise to Mike.  He enjoyed music, but he really didn't pay that much attention to it.  He even told me one time that it was just basically background noise.  And although he took me to see The Lion King on our third date and enjoyed it he told me he didn't like other musicals.  He thought it was silly to try to tell a story using songs.  I should have realized then we were incompatible.  Even worse, Mike used to complain about Jimmy Buffett.  He always said that J.B. had no real talent, he wasn't even a good singer.  Sure there are better singers then Jimmy Buffett, but true music lovers realize that Jimmy is insanely popular because of what he sings, not how he sings!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0---Q97pG4

So yes, that's my dating philosophy.  Both people have to have the same musical philosophy or it just won't work.  If you live your life to a musical score in your head you are not compatible with a person who considers music background noise!  And if you don't understand Buffett you cannot be with a Buffett fan!

The Tell-Tale Heart

Remember the Edgar Allen Poe story, "The Tell-Tale Heart"?  Mainly it was about a crazy dude who kept hearing the beating heart of the man he had murdered.  Apparently, Harry the hoarder suffered from a similar condition.  It wasn't his sense of hearing.  It was his sense of smell. 
I've included a link to the real story: 
http://www.literature.org/authors/poe-edgar-allan/tell-tale-heart.html
Sounds odd doesn't it?  Try dating someone who either has or thinks they have an overly developed sense of smell.  I'm very hygienic.  I always smell good and I don't exercise or work hard enough to work up a sweat very often.  I brush my teeth, I floss, I chew gum, and I usually carry mints in my purse.  I don't stink and I have good breath.  I've never had a guy complain about my breath when they kissed me.  Heck, I've never heard of a guy complaining about kissing in my life.  (Sorry for the generalization guys.)  But most guys are happy to be kissing.  I've been kissed after eating my half of a bloomin' onion at Outback.  In short, I've never had a guy complain about kissing me.  Until Harry!  I honestly don't know if it was real or imagined, but Harry would not kiss me until I brushed my teeth and/or used mouthwash.  I don't mean to take care of morning breath.  This was in the evening after a date.  No kiss until I had brushed.  Weird! 

Sadly, I just brushed this off as a bit eccentric the first time or two.  After we had been dating a couple of months (I had no cavities during this time!  hahaha!) Harry and I went to Gatlinburg with another couple.  I got up that first morning, did my regular routine, made sure I brushed, flossed and used mouth wash.  My friend, Jen, and I went out to meet the guys.  Jen and her boyfriend kissed.  I leaned in towards Harry for a quick kiss.  He barely touched my lips and said, "I think you are coming down with a cold.  Your breath smells really funny."  What?!  What?!  What normal, red blooded guy responds to a kiss that way? 

Yes, that's when it hit.  "Normal" is the key word in that question. 

Sadly, you would think that would have been the end of our relationship, but it wasn't.  I kept dating Harry for a few weeks.  Eventually, he came to my house one evening for pizza and a movie.  After he left I never heard from him again.  He had pizza, we watched a movie, yes he gave me a good bye kiss after I had used a breath mint, he drove off in his Trans Am, and he never called again!

Honestly, you can ask any of my friends or family.  I don't stink and I have good breath!
And when I realized he wasn't calling me, I didn't bother calling him.  So, there went the hoarder and the super sensitive smeller!

A&E ain't got nothin' on me Part II

I really don't get hoarding.  I am not a pack rat.  I go through my home and office twice a year and get rid of anything I no longer want or use.  If it's worth having and not doing me any good it needs to be donated.  If it's not worth having it needs to be thrown away.  Harry didn't subscribe to that philosophy! 

His house was a mess, that's really the only way to describe it.  Every room was piled full of crap!!!  Although, he had lots of everything you can think of he definitely had more books than anything else.  He had more books than the Trenton Public Library (before they moved into a smaller, temporary space.)  He easily had at least 10,000 books.  No way, he read a quarter of them.  He had books stacked in every room of the house, including the bathrooms.  He had shelves filled with books.  He had a large den and one wall was solid shelving.  Every centimeter was filled with books.  Name an author and I guarantee he's got a book by them.  He had books from every genre every created.  He still had every one of his college textbooks.  He had children's books, comic books, magazines, and graphic novels.  He even had dozens of copies of tracts that churches pass out for free and he wasn't passing them out.  He was keeping them!  Harry also had hundreds of videos and dvds.  He had dozens of half burned candles sitting around.  He had boxes of pencils, pens and markers that had never been opened.  He was into astronomy and had at least five gigantic telescopes.

The strangest think had to be his fully stocked bar.  He might have a drink with dinner, but he wasn't much of a drinker.  He had bottles and bottles of every type of liquor you can name.  And I'm not talking the little bottles; they had to be the biggest bottles sold.  Most of them had never been opened.  He had enough liquor in his house to make Charlie Sheen's character, Charlie Harper, look like a teetotaler.  (FYI - I've date Charlie Harper!  More on him in a future blog.  lol)  Seriously, he could have donated his liquor to Cheer's happy hour and it would have lasted for weeks. 

Doug was a strange fellow.  For unknown reasons I continued to date Harry for several weeks after seeing his house.  I eventually discovered hoarding wasn't the only issue he had. 

Continue reading "I should have washed my hair!" to find out what other eccentricities Hary had!  And to hear about the adventures of dating a real life "Charlie Harper."

A&E ain't got nothin' on me. Part 1

Do any of you watch the show "Hoarders" on A&E?  I actually don't, but am all too familiar with the topic.  I house set one summer.  The lady was a serious hoarder.  Every shelf, every closet, every space was filled with "stuff."  Most of the "stuff" had never been opened.  She probably had a year's supply of food.  (I ate well that summer!)  She had 100s of items of clothing that still had the tags.  She had all sorts of appliances still in boxes.  I was flabbergasted at the amount of "stuff" she had in her house.  Oh if only I could have ebayed all of her stuff!

Her house paled in comparison to a guy I dated a few years ago.  I'll call him Harry, Harry the Hoarder.  If Harry hasn't been on an episode of "Hoarders" yet he should be!  It was unreal!!!  I should have figured out there was an issue when he drove a third car on our third date.  He had an old SUV that really needed to go to an impound lot.  He had to do some weird something to the engine to get it to start.  He had an old clunker that would have been sweet all pimped out.  He also had a TransAm that would have been "way cool" in the late '80's when it was made.  He was so in love with his TransAm, that it only came out of the garage on the weekend and then only for special occasions.  (Apparently, only one of our dates rated as a special occasion!) 

Let me tell you about the "special" date that rated the TransAm.  He came to pick me up, (you could tell he was soooo proud of his car - I was sweet and acted all impressed) he drove to Rock City where he applied copious amounts of sunscreen to every uncovered inch of his body (which thankfully wasn't a lot.)  FYI - The Rock City parking lot is considered safe!  After we walked through Rock City we went downtown to a restaurant for a late lunch.  FYI - Downtown Chattanooga parking is not safe!  We parked about a block from the restaurant.  I got out of the car and closed my door and started walking towards the restaurant, thinking he was right behind me.  I quickly realize he wasn't.  I look back and he is still in the car.  I walk back to his side of the car and see that he is putting a steering wheel lock on.  (I know, I know, I am an evil person, but I lost it.  That was the funniest thing I had ever seen.)  I mean, maybe, someone, somewhere wanted to steal his TransAm.  But it wasn't a classic, it was just an old sports car.  I say all of this to say that I should have realized something was up with a single guy who owned three vehicles.
Now this is off the topic of hoarding, but I have to share.  Our 4th date was me picking up take out and bringing it to his house.  Harry was born and raised in the SOUTH!  Harry who was 37 had never eaten a barbequed pork rib in his life.  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!!  Where had this guy been living?  How can you grow up in the south and not have had a rib?  So, we had ribs.  (Never a 1st date food, but acceptable for the 4th.) 

Back to the hoarding....

While the whole "never had a rib" thing had me a bit freaked, I was still willing to take supper to his house and check it out.  (I hope I can set this scene.)  I pull in to his driveway which is a friggin' nightmare!  It was at least a 75 degree angle with no turn around space.  His old beat up SUV and his TransAm were parked in the garage and his clunker was parked in the driveway.  Of course, there was barely room for the cars in the garage because of all the "stuff" he had in the garage.  If you can think of something that has ever been created for hiking or camping it was in that garage!  He could have supplied L.L. Bean for at least a year!

Then I walked in the door to the kitchen.  There wasn't even room to sit the sack of take out.  Every inch of counter space was covered.  He had every type of kitchen appliance and gadget you could think of.  (Of course, he couldn't cook worth a flip!)  He also had ever spare napkin, spoon, knife, fork, straw, and condiment he had ever received at any fast food joint.  I mean, he had 100s of spoons, knifes, forks, and straws.  The napkins and condiments probably number into the 1000s.  It was bizarre!
I think the thing that freaked me out the most in the kitchen was the side cabinet.  The cabinet had two drawers.  Each drawer was filled with change.  On top of and beside the cabinet were at least seven huge jars and bowls full of change.  (I worked at a bank for three years so I have a pretty good idea of money.)  I estimated that he had $1000+ of change sitting on his kitchen cabinet.  Innocently, I asked, "Why don't you take that change and cash it in?"  He gave me the strangest look and said, "I just, I just don't want to." 

Stay tuned for Hoarders Part II.

Oops!

A couple of years ago when I was in my second round of online dating I met a really nice guy.  (Yes, it's true.  There are some nice guys online.)  We messaged back and forth for a couple of weeks, emailed a couple of times, and then exchanged phone numbers.  After two or three conversations we decided to meet.  We both agreed to keep it low key so, we wound up meeting at Panera's for coffee.  (Well, not being a coffee drinker, I had hot chocolate.:)  We sat and talked for a couple of hours.  He was genuinely a nice guy.  We talked about everything.  He told  me about his job, his son, his divorce.  I told him about my job and Spike.  We talked about our families, growing up in church and how important our faith was to both of us.  Things were going really well.  Until...

The whole evening I kept noticing him sniffling and twitching his nose (kind of like Samantha in Bewitched.)  I didn't think anything about it to begin with, but he continued doing it through our whole conversation.  Finally, I said, "Gosh, your sinuses and allergies must be bothering you as much as mine do."  He kind of gave me an odd look and I said, "You know because of the way your sniffling I thought your sinuses were bothering you."  He shook his head and said, "No, I have Tourette's." 

Honestly, how do you recover from that?!  All I could do was apologize profusely and kick myself under the table.  Needless to say, he didn't call back for another date.  Hopefully, he went on to meet a nice girl who didn't stick her foot in her mouth so early in the relationship.

The Case of the Disappearing Boyfriend

In honor of my childhood fondness for Encyclopedia Brown, I thought I'd share a short mystery.


A few Octobers ago I was in round 3 of my online dating experiences.  I had actually made contact with several different guys (stories to be shared later.)  Over four to six weeks' time I had first dates with five different guys.  (Yes, Iset a personal record.)  I'm telling you this to explain that during this time I wasn't getting serious about any one.  I was just enjoying having more than one guy to choose from.  Three fell by the wayside immediately and I felt the other two, Ricky and Saul, had potential.  After a second date with both of them I just didn't hear anything else from Saul.  (Disappearance # 1.  Although, I didn't realize it at the time.)

Long story short, Ricky and I dated for four or five months.  We broke up right around Easter.  A few weeks later I unexpectedly heard from Saul.  We had dinner and started dating casually.  Saul's a fun guy.  I really enjoyed spending time with him.  We dated casually through out the spring and summer and most of the fall.  It really wasn't a serious relationship.  We called each other infrequently and went out when we had the time.  Around the middle of October I just stopped hearing from him.  (Disappearance #2) I really wasn't upset.

Not long after the first of the year Saul got in touch with me again.  He said he had been traveling and with holiday events just hadn't had time to get together.  We started seeing each other again.  It was a bit more serious this time.  We called each other fairly regularly and the "girlfriend", "boyfriend" words were even mentioned.  Then once again, around the middle of October he just dropped out of the picture.  (Disappearance #3)

Are you beginning to see a pattern here?  Hopefully, you've recognized it more quickly than I did.  He disappears every year in October and reappears in mid January. 
It's a true mystery!
It's The Case of the Disappearing Boyfriend. 
I've never been able to discovery for a certainty what happens to him during this time.  There are several possibilities:  1.  He's on the aliens' annual abduction list.  2.  He's a bizarre human/bear hybrid and has to hibernate during the winter.  3.  He's a confirmed bachelor and doesn't want to confuse a girl by dating her through the holidays.  4.  He's serving some sort of weird prison sentence.  5.  I had actually been dating Santa Claus and he was just too busy from October through early January. 

Applying all of my wily sleuthing skills I eventually determined the truth.  Since he'd never been on the cover of a tabloid, I was able to rule out both alien abduction and human/bear hybrid.  He would not be able to handle prison life so if they let him out once he would have ran off to some country with no extradition laws.  While he is a confirmed bachelor he knew I wasn't anymore serious than he was so, he wasn't trying to keep our relationship casual.  I was pulling for him being Santa.  How cool to have access to all those toys.  Plus, I've always wanted an excuse to wear a costume like Rosemary Clooney wears in the last scene of White Christmas.  But sadly, that wasn't the case.  Saul wasn't Santa in disguise.

Why did I have a boyfriend disappear from October to January?  When all of the other possibilities were eliminated I was left with the truth.  Thanks to a childhood love of Encyclopedia Brown I was able to solve my own mystery.  Saul was disappearing in October before my birthday and reappearing in January after the holidays.  Have you figured it out yet?  Yes, that's right.  HE WAS TOO DARN CHEAP TO BUY ME ANY PRESENTS!!!!  Good grief! 

Animal Instinct

When I was a little girl I had a German Spitz named Snowball.  She was my first dog and a get well present from my grandfather when I had the chicken pox in the third grade.  (Thanks to Lathan W. and Jason W. who chased me around the playground before they were diagnosed!)  She wasn't much bigger than a snowball when my grandfather first brought her home.  Snowball and I were pretty much inseparable.  She was an outdoor dog, but anytime I was outside she was right there beside me.  The next summer Snowball was out of the playful puppy stage, but she still followed me around and stayed close to my side whenever I was outside. 

I remember playing in the yard at my grandparents one day and Snowball was acting kind of odd.  She ran twenty yards away the first time, barked and ran back.  The next time she ran fifteen yards away, barked and ran back.  She did this several times until she was just a few feet away from me barking like mad.  My grandmother finally heard Snowball barking and sent my grandfather out to see what was going on.  He walked down and found Snowball ferociously guarding me from a rattlesnake that was slithering towards me.  About the time my grandfather got to Snowball the snake had struck at her and she bite it and killed it.  Thankfully, Snowball's fur was so thick the snake hadn't actually been able to bite her. 

I learned then that a good dog could sense danger and would do their best to save you.  Years later, (Snowball had already gone to the happy hunting grounds in the sky) I had another wonderful dog.  This one was a red bone hound named Callie.  She was a truly marvelous dog!  I remember coming home from a date one night.  My date opened the car door, took my hand and proceeded to walk me to the front door.  Callie ran straight to us and kept trying to get in between us.  She actually took her head and tried to bump our hands apart several times.  It was really cute.  At the time, I just thought she was jealous.  A few months later when this jerk came home from college and told me he was dumping me for a girl who would put out I realized that Callie had been trying to tell me all along that the guy was a creep!

For the past seven years, Spike has been the "man" of my dreams.  He's a solid black, miniature Schnauzer.  I love him and he loves me!  Spike has seen me through several relationships to date.  I have learned to not only trust Spike's opinion of the men I date, but now the men actually have to pass the "Spike" test.  He's 100% with his picks too!  Spike can't tell if the guy is "the guy," but like Snowball he senses the danger.  Spike's rather passive.  He won't do anything major like bite the guys hand.  (I wish!)  But he definitely lets me know how he feels about the guy. 

I was dating Mike when I first got Spike.  Spike was crazy about Mike.  He would jump up in his lap and kiss him all over the face.  Needless to say, that scored big points for Mike with me because he was willing to put up with Spike kissing him.  Mike and I didn't work out, but he's truly a great guy.  Just a great guy for someone else.

After Mike came Don, "Don the Dud" as my friends and I now call him.  Don obviously wasn't a dog person.  He treated Spike like he was a vicious killer.  Remember, Spike is a MINIATURE Schnauzer.  He might lick you to death, but he doesn't even play bite!  Don would pet Spike by taking his index, middle, ring fingers and thumb and barely let the tips of them rub Spike's head.  I swear Spike rolled his eyes when Don did this!  (My father still jokingly refers to this as the "Don tease" and will often pet Spike like that in jest.)  Spike didn't dislike Don, but you could tell he wasn't a Don fan either.

Next on the list is Ricky.  From the moment Spike met him until the moment I dumped him; Spike NEVER liked Ricky.  The first time Ricky came to my house Spike came into the living room and jumped up on the couch to meet him.  Ricky got down on his knees and started petting Spike.  (I was actually impressed with how well Ricky responded to Spike.)  Spike, however, felt differently.  Ricky petted him for a minute, Spike jumped off the couch and went straight to his bed.  Anytime after that, when Ricky came to visit Spike stayed well away from him.  I don't want to spoil future blogs, but rest assured Spike was correct in staying away from Ricky.

Spike, the four-legged, furry man of my dreams has proven himself as a date picker.  He obviously has more sense and better taste than I do.  Since he was proven his animal instincts, I now hold all first dates at the dog park and let Spike decide if there will be a second date!  Now if I could just teach him to bite the really crummy ones!  (Maybe not, I don't want a lawsuit!)
  

Stu-u-u-pendous first impressions!

Blind date rule # 12:  Do not spend a month talking on the phone before you meet in person.

One of my friends, Susan, asked her husband, Bob, if he knew any guys that they could introduce to me.  After several days, Bob decided that his co-worker Leon would be a good choice.  Susan had never met Leon so, we were just going on Bob's word.  Bob described Leon as a good guy, hard worker, stocky build, light brown hair, and nice enough looking guy.  I agreed to let Bob pass my phone number on to Leon.  About a week later Leon called.  He had a great voice and I had Bob's description to work with so a mental image began to form in my mind.  Due to work conflicts and family obligations it took about three weeks for us to actually be able to set up a date.  We talked on the phone several times a week for several hours each time.  Finally, we were able to arrange to meet for lunch on Sunday after church. 

Now keep in mind that we had spent hours talking on the phone, but had never actually seen each other.  We hadn't even exchanged pictures.  After hearing his voice (which was really sexy) for that long, I really couldn't help but form a mental image to match Bob's description.  (I realize now that "stocky" is a subjective term.  To me stocky = Garth Brooks or Chipper Jones.  I obviously should have asked Bob what his definition of stocky was.)  Having never been petite myself, I have no problem with big guys.  I like big guys!  Unfortunately, having already developed a firm mental picture made reality a tough adjustment. 

Leon and I agreed to meet at Outback Steakhouse after church.  (Points for picking a fairly pricey restaurant.)  We arranged to meet outside, we exchanged car descriptions and knew to look for each other.  I pulled in and saw his truck almost immediately.  I waved, he watched me park and then got out of his car. 

I knew we were both coming straight from church so I knew he would be dressed fairly well.  I had on a Sunday appropriate LBD (little black dress) and some kick butt heels!  I have to admit I was looking pretty darn good.  I could tell from the glance into his truck that he had on a suit.  As he stepped out of his truck I realized he had on a purple suit; an honest to God purple suit.  (I'm fairly certain I've never seen a purple suit before or after.)  Not only was he wearing a purple suit, but I quickly realized that Bob's definition of stocky and mine were NOT the same.  I had been picturing Garth and Chipper.  Leon was John Candy or John Goodman before his weight loss. 

At the risk of sounding totally shallow, I'm going to continue with this blog.  Out of a blue truck steps an overweight guy dressed in a purple suit.  (Did I mention this happened in the mid 1990s?  Can anyone remember who was really popular in the mid 1990s?  Someone who was really big?  Someone who dressed in purple?)  That's right!  I was on a blind date with Barney!  OMG!!!!  Seriously, if plus size women know how to dress you would think plus size men could figure it out. 

I was actually having a blind date with a guy with a hot voice who dressed and looked like Barney the big, purple dinosaur.  (Hence the title:  Stu-u-u-pendous first impressions.  Barney loved to say "stu-u-u-pendous.")  I could handle him being a big guy.  Really, I love big men.  But a big man in a purple suit with a purple tie.  Seriously?!  What's wrong with khakis and a nice shirt? 

I'm going to end this blog with my first date with Barney, I mean Leon.  Continue following my blog, "I should have washed my hair!" to find out I'm truly not a shallow person and agreed to have several more dates with Barney, I mean Leon.

Like Madonna, I am a "Material Girl"

I'm not very materialistic.  I'm not into labels or designer names.  When one of my best friends told me she had gotten a Michael Kors handbag I just nodded and pretended to know who the heck Michael Kors was.  My purses usually come from Target, my shoes from Payless.  I shop around for a good price, I clip coupons and am an Extra Care Bucks Queen at CVS.  I'm really not materialistic. 
I would not turn down a date with a man just because he was rich, but I'm not looking for a rich guy either.  (Although, if you know any single rich men feel free to send them my way!)  I don't expect my dates to spend $100s of dollars on dinner or buy me expensive gifts.  I don't care if my boyfriend wears expensive clothes or cheap thrift store finds.

However....

Back in 1992, I found out that I could be materialistic about somethings.  I had recently graduated from college and was quickly reaching "old maid" status in my small, country town.  My friends and immediate family weren't worried about me finding a man, but most everyone else I knew was.  Janice, a great lady I went to church with, decided she should set me up with a brother of a friend of hers.  He had recently moved into town and didn't know many people.  And seeing as how we were both breathing we were obviously made for each other. 
Janice told me to meet Irwin at McDonald's Sunday afternoon at 2:00.  (I thought it somewhat odd that she didn't just give me his phone number or ask to give mine to him.)  This sounded harmless enough since  I would be close to home, was meeting him there and could leave whenever I wanted.  2:00pm Sunday rolled around and I went to McDonald's to meet Irwin.  I walked into an almost completely empty restaurant.  I saw one tall guy sitting by himself drinking a cup of coffee.  (Odd that the guy waiting on me would have bought himself something before I got there, but maybe he'd gotten there a bit early.)  I walked over, he saw me and asked if I was there to meet Irwin?  I said yes and we introduced ourselves.  I sat down and we began to chat (I was patiently waiting for him to offer to go get me something to drink.  He never did.)  I mention that I'd like a Diet Coke and he says, "Great, go grab one while I use the restroom."  (Rude on 2 counts: 1 he didn't offer to physically go get it and 2 he didn't offer to pay for it.)  
I returned to the table to find him back (I really hope he washed his hands!)  We continued with basic "get to know you" conversation.  I knew he had recently moved here so, I inquired about where he'd been living, what he'd been doing, etc.  He told me he had lost his job about a year earlier.  Then he found an old cabin in the North Carolina mountains and had stayed there for nine months.  (I didn't realize he literally meant he had FOUND it.  It was an old, run down cabin no one was living in.)  He then went on to tell me about the house he was renting here.  It had a small kitchen, one bath, one bedroom, and was very easy to keep clean since it had a dirt floor.  (Not wood, not carpet, not tile; but DIRT.  I never found out if it was built without one or if the orginial had rotted away.)  Not knowing how to respond, I just smiled and nodded. 
Irwin must have thought I was impressed with his rental property because he decided to ask me out on a real date.  His next few statements went something like this:  "I'd really like to take you out on a real date sometime soon.  Maybe we could go next Saturday.  I'll have to tell Janice what time and she can call and let you know since I don't have a phone.  We could go into Chattanooga and see a movie and go out to eat.  Wherever we go though, we'll have to park my car somewhere where I can just pull straight through because my car doesn't have a reverse.  I bought it a few weeks ago and got a really good deal because the reverse gear doesn't work.  I think I'll have enough money to buy my ticket and dinner.  Be sure to bring enough for whatever you'll want."  (I could handle going dutch, I could even handle Janice relaying information because he didn't have a telephone, but his car didn't have reverse.  He bought a car without reverse.)


Yes, in 1992, I found out that some material possessions do matter.  I don't need diamonds and caviar, but I insist on a house having a floor and a car going in reverse!

   

An iceburg sunk the Titanic, grammar sunk my first setup

You're probably sitting there wondering why a single, 40 something woman would be worried about grammar when she's trying to find a decent guy.  I'll answer that by explaining a bit about myself.  I am not employeed by the grammar police.  I use ain't in sentences.  Being a true Southern, I drop the "g" off of most words and all verbs.  I do try to speak and write correctly, but I'm sure my subjects and verbs don't always agree and semi-colons are problematic for me.  However, I am highly intelligent, I have a Bachelor's and Master's degree in Education and I taught school for 14 years; two of which were spent teaching high school English.  Because of this, more than one guy has joked about my proofreading any love letters they might send me.  Trust me, I'm not going to look for grammatical errors in a love note.  I'm also not listening for grammatical errors when I'm out on a date.

However, like an iceburg, some mistakes are just too BIG to miss!  
Let me set the scene...
I was 19 and a sophomore in college.  It was Easter Sunday and I was attending my church's Sunrise Service and breakfast.  A couple I attended church with (I'll call them Mr.and Mrs. Pumpernickel) brought their nephew to the church service just to meet me.  It was my first setup and it was a surprise setup.  Mr. and Mrs. Pumpernickel had never mentioned their nephew, Dylan, to me.  Although, I found out later that he knew all about me. 
I was sitting on a sofa talking to a friend of mine (my lifelong bestie!) when Mrs. Pumpernickel came over with Dylan.  She introduced us, told my friend to come with her and left me alone with Dylan.  I sat there trying to think of something to say when Dylan delivered the most original, most horrifying pick up line of all time.  (I swear I am quoting here.)  "I hear you're goin' to school to be a teacher.  I thought maybe you could learn me how to read since I don't know how."  21 years later I have to assume he said more, but I'm fairly certain I had a mini stroke and blocked everything else out.

So, does grammar matter?  Yes, when the mistake is as big as an iceburg!  I mean seriously?!  "I thought maybe you could learn me how to read."  Seriously?!  That's the pick up line you use on a college girl?  Oh well, the last I heard Hollywood was looking to cast him as an extra in the sequel to "Deliverance."

Getting Started

I should have washed my hair!

Growing up I remember hearing women turn down dates because they had to stay home and wash their hair.  (Possibly these women were Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney, but still.)  I have never used that excuse, but I sincerely wished I had after many dates.


In later blogs I will share my dating experiences which are numerous, humorous and varied.  I have been set up by friends, co-workers and people I barely knew.  I've met guys at school, at work, at church, and at the local video store.  In recent years, I have expanded my search world wide with the help of the Internet.  I have used match, yahoo personals, eharmony, cupid, singlesnet, plentyoffish, and christiansingles.  (Compatability match my patootie!)  All of these dates have taught me something, but staying home and washing my hair would have been so much easier! 


Coming soon....  Just how important is grammar in your dating life?